Nothing says “let’s bang” like a day at the beach. The booze. The sun. The booze. The half naked bodies. The booze. There’s a reason a drink is named after the act. Once you get past the “sand might go up my vag” fear, sex on the beach is THE thing to do. But, like most fun, mischievous, acts, it can also fall under the illegal category. You have to practice the one thing we have perfected since our first meeting with standards: discretion.
Unfortunately for a couple in Bradenton, Florida, they didn’t have a standards chair to teach them this valuable skill.
On Monday, Jose Caballero and Elissa Alvarez were tried for allegedly having sex on Bradenton Beach last summer. According to the Miami Herald, the two love birds were seen grinding on top of each other for all, including a three-year-old girl, to see. After the court saw video evidence (which doesn’t even show them naked, so talk about being pros), and learned that this happened in broad daylight, the duo was “charged with two counts each of lewd and lascivious behavior.” Jose is looking at 15 years in prison thanks to his not-so-clean record. But as for Elissa? She was a virgin in the eyes of legal problems. But that didn’t matter. She’s still looking at jail time. Plus, they will now both be registered as sex offenders.
I don’t know about you, but I feel pretty freaked out right now. Having sex in random places is part of the fun of having genitals! There has to be a way, right? Maybe. If you’re going to do it, at least be smart. So here are a few sure ways to make your chances of an OITNB situation go down just a bit.
- Outside, in the daylight, in a completely open area is a big no-no.
- At least be under a tree. Like, at least.
- Triple check for children, police officers, and parents before unzipping.
- Wear a dress. Trust.
- Be quiet. It’s not like your moans are real, anyway.
- Bathrooms are a good in-between. You’re still being “naughty” but if you get caught, just pretend that you were feeling sick.
- Oh, but make sure to lock the door.
- Try to break as few laws as possible. You don’t need to be trespassing, smoking weed, and banging in public all at the same time. Pick your poison.
- He doesn’t need to take his pants allllll of the way off.
- And now’s not the time to try for your “best time.” In, out, and end.
- Avoid places with security cameras.
- Don’t look like you’re fucking. Wear some sunglasses. Don’t roll around like you’re in heat. This isn’t a porn.
- It’s best if he just doesn’t cum. Sorry.
- Condoms make this tricky. Do what you want with that information.
- Don’t document it. At all. This does not need to go in your Snapchat story.
- If you’re a “missionary girl,” give up. Public sex is not a place for missionary people.
- Doggy works best. I mean, you’re outside. Might as well fuck like a dog, you know?
It’s a scary world out there. Be safe, be smart, and screw responsibly..
[via Miami Herald]
Image via Shutterstock
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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