Whaddup, boners. Long-time girlfriend here. The old ball ‘n chain (me) has decided that this couple needs to branch out and make some new friends! To avoid a certain someone’s jealousy issues (again, me), we’ve decided to invest in another couple’s friendship.
About us:
We’re your average red-blooded American couple. We’re very social, but we also enjoy laughing at the misfortune of others, which is why we’re having problems finding an equally evil couple to hang out with. In our spare time, we like hitting up the food truck in my sadly decrepit apartment’s parking lot and arguing over who has to empty the dishwasher next. We love to bond over fine cuisine while discussing deep philosophical issues, like whether oatmeal raisin cookies should even be considered a desert.
Seeking:
We’d like a couple that has a similar drinking agenda, and who is willing to talk shit about people almost constantly. Ideally you would be slightly less attractive, so waitresses and bartenders can conclusively decide that they’d rather have a threesome with us, the more attractive pair. Bonus points if you have a dog and an edibles connect. As a rule, we only hang out with people who are G.D. (geographically desirable). So if you’re not located within a ten-mile radius, we’re going to have to seriously consider the distance before deciding that it’s just not really worth it for us.
Dealbreakers:
No sober people, sticklers, overtly beautiful people, or career-oriented overachievers. We like our friends like we like our ice cream: cool and chunky. Applicants must have access to Netflix and HBOgo. Nobody with a legal occupation, because we’re tryna do some weird, illegal shit. GDIs need not apply.
Potential Activities:
Potential date ideas include but are not limited to: sitting, watching movies, getting hammered, eating Mexican food, eating Italian food, eating Chinese food, and eating every other type of food. We definitely fuck with the outdoors from time to time, but only on days when we’re not hungover, which basically excludes Friday-Monday. We’re willing to venture into public, but only if the venue is dimly lit and filled with older, uglier people. Will only watch scary movies if the main character lives.
Compensation:
We can offer you the pleasure of our company, which is highly coveted for a lot of people, maybe, I think. In addition to this you’ll have access to all of our inside jokes, party invites, and hungover McDonald’s trips. If you’re still not convinced, you should know I give awesome back scratches. Not that you’ll ever get one, but it’s nice to have a friend with a notable talent to speak of.
Contact me if you’re interested!.
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Lucky Jo
Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.
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