A Drunken Conversation With Me, Myself, And I

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This is just the average thought process you drunkenly have after getting home from a night out…

*Stumbles through door. Nose dives onto couch*

I’m home. Alone. Fuck, I’m ugly. Buttttt–I’m not? That weird kid from finance texted me tonight asking what I was doing, so I’m not ugly. Thank the Lord I set four glasses of water and three Tylenol out for myself before I left the house tonight–I love the fact that my drunk self looks out for my drunker self. I’m the tits! Okay…don’t eat anything. DON’T EAT ANYTHING. Those two hours I spent on the elliptical will go RIGHT TO THE SHITTER. Hunger is just a figment of my imagination.

*Goes upstairs to the bathroom*

Oh. My. God. What the fuck happened to my hair tonight? It looks like sex hair–minus the sex. I should use hairspray next time for at least 10 extra second. Okay, focus. Where is my toothbrush? IF MY FUCKING ROOMMATE MOVED MY SHIT ONE MORE TIME GIRL’S GONNA GET–wait. There it is. Boys like girls with white teeth. Know what else boys like? Not me. Clearly, because I didn’t bring one home tonight. Haaa fuck that. Boys definitely like me. Boys like me so much that I’m playing hard-to-get tonight and they don’t even know it. Boys are idiots.

*Goes to bedroom*

Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever gotten naked faster than I just did. Okay, focus. Again. Where is the makeup remover? Man, I need to get my shit together. It feels so good to get this cake off my face. I’m giving myself so many props tomorrow for taking off my makeup right now. Like, I’m the shit. Boys hate zit-smeared girls, and like, I’m not one of them. God I love myself.

*Gets into bed*

So it’s a good thing I didn’t text my ex tonight. *Looks through phone* Fuuuuuck. Just kidding, I did. And he responded. And my response was illegible. Cool. Where are all my friends? Nobody is home right now. WHY DOESN’T ANYONE LIKE ME? WHY DON’T I HAVE ANY FRIENDS? That’s not true. I have friends. *Looks through other texts* Why did Allie ask if I was okay? Of course I’m okay bitch, Why the the fuck do you always use proper grammar? Bitch. Just kidding, I actually love you Allie. I really want to call Mom right now. She’s really the ONLY person who understands me. I love Mom so much. Don’t cry. Really, don’t cry. GOD I MISS MY MOM. Why does she have to live so far away? I want to go home. I’m dropping out of school and moving home. No. I’m not. I don’t want work at, like, ShopRite with the rest of those degenerates from my high school for the rest of my life. I guess I should go to bed now. But it’s only 1:17 a.m. I bet other people are having fun right now. Fuck my life. I hate everyone. FOMO is a disease. And I have it.

*Turns off light*

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Drunk but not in love

(@DrunkNOTinLove) is a die-hard Splenda addict who requires a constant supply of caffeine and male attention to make it through the day. After graduating with her degree in Economics, she now focuses her energy on adding a "Home" to her degree title by perfecting the "intelligent drunk," and conning a banker into marrying her one day. Originally from New England, she is a hardcore Boston sports fan, but only when boys are around. Almost all of her calories consumed Thursday - Saturday (and the occasional Tuesday) are from $7 bottles of Yellowtail Moscato, and in no way, shape, or form is she fazed by this. All forms of hate mail and date party inquiries can be sent to

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