Anyone who’s graduated can tell you the worst part of leaving college isn’t going out into the real world. Sure, waking up Monday through Friday to work 8-9 hour days sucks, but at least that’s all there is to it, right? If you’re not in grad school, the “homework” is pretty much over. There’s far less studying, very few all-nighters, AND you still get happy hour. The worst part of leaving college isn’t even leaving all of your best friends, because once your closest friends start dispersing across the country, you always have a cool new city to go visit with your accrued vacation days. And, of course, there’s always the instance of homecoming, when you can gloriously return to your old stomping grounds and relive your best days. No, the worst part of leaving college doesn’t involve leaving your friends behind or taking on real responsibility. In my opinion, the worst part of finishing four (or five) years of undergrad and getting a diploma is that once you enter said real world, NOBODY ever believes the crazy shit you got into during your time spent at an institute of higher education.
I’ve spent my time since graduating trying to tell stories of all the debauchery my pledge sisters and I got into, largely enabled by our male friends, who were fraternity men. I’ve tried to convince people, unsuccessfully, that my experience partying as a Greek on one of the biggest college campuses in the country made Animal House look like a children’s TV show. I’ve tried, over and over again, to make people believe my completely true stories, with little luck. I almost threw in the white flag and resigned to the idea that my wild memories will have to remain just that: distant memories, only shared by those who experienced them because the scenarios were so unbelievable and out of control. I had all but given up on ever convincing anyone of my outrageous college experience, until W.R. Bolen published his New York Times Best Seller, Total Frat Move.
Total Frat Move chronicles the main character, Townes Prescott III (hello, good name) throughout his time in college, from move-in day, to his time as a pledge, to a raucous formal weekend in New Orleans during his senior year. If you’ve ever sought a book that accurately portrays the appeal, and the admitted horrors, of the boys in letters we all spent our time in college being penetrated by, look no further than Total Frat Move to satisfy all of your needs.
Townes is, essentially, a literary character unparalleled in modern works of fiction. If you combined the appeal of Edward Cullen, Jacob Black, Christian Grey, and any moderately attractive male lead from the entire Harry Potter series, you still wouldn’t be able to create a character to rival him in terms of attractiveness, wit, wealth, or campus social status. To say he’s a badass is an understatement. He’s a man of excellent wardrobe choices and poor drinking decisions. He’s sexually promiscuous, nowhere close to being academically focused, and essentially, a womanizer whose only concern is hooking up and having a great time with his fraternity brothers. Ultimately, he embodies every guy I either slept with, dated, or went out with twice but then got so drunk I accidentally told him I’d already Zillow’d his house, thus forcing an abrupt end on the relationship, during my time in college. While I’m sure not all of you were able to score the caliber of top-tier gentlemen I was able to, don’t fret, because within each of Towne’s pledge brothers, you’ll surely be able to find a character you can identify with your college frat daddy.
From a post-graduate stand point, this book is, without a doubt, a must read, because it truly does allow you to transport yourself back into a time when the only thing that mattered wasn’t the deadline for your term paper, but whether or not you had done a good enough job on your date’s cooler for formal.
If you’re lucky enough to still be in undergrad, this book will prove to be even more invaluable, ladies. Total Frat Move not only affords us all with an endless supply of laughs (and a few moments of pure, crude discomfort), but gives us actual insight into the mind of a fraternity boy. Sure, they may seem like gentlemen who will undoubtedly, someday, be men of great influence in society, but what it all really boils down to is the most important part of any frat boy’s college experience is the brotherhood he gets to experience and the memories he makes with his friends. This book will affirm the suspicion we’ve all had at one point or another: you’re an idiot if you try to bother with a serious “relationship” in college, because any boy worth dating is busy doing other things, such as blacking out before a tailgate even starts.
Total Frat Move is by far the best book I’ve read in a long time, which explains its presence on The New York Times Best Sellers list for two consecutive weeks. It’s hilarious, and it’s the first accurate portrayal of the fun, party aspect of Greek life society has seen in decades. I’m probably the farthest thing from a “guy’s girl,” and I thoroughly enjoyed every single page of Bolen’s masterpiece.
I highly suggest you buy a copy for your Kindle, and your iPad, and a few hard copies, too, if you haven’t already. Everybody knows nobody reads a textbook until the day before midterms, so this gives you like, 6 weeks to finish the book before you even need to figure out what Cost-Volume-Profit relationships are. I would DEFINITELY finish the book before Spring Break, because Total Frat Move also includes a must read section about taking your week in March off in style.
The only person I wouldn’t recommend loaning the book to is your mother, or your grandmother, because, trust me, the minute your parents realize the thousands they spend a year for sorority dues are largely supporting your habit of blacking out on cheap liquor and engaging in the antics described in Total Frat Move is the minute you’ll be forced to transfer to an all-girl liberal arts college.
Happy reading, bitches!
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