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A Foolproof Guide To Becoming Sweetheart

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Being crowned a fraternity’s sweetheart is a huge honor. It means you’ve pledged your time, energy, and dedication to the men of a particular chapter, and you really embody the values their organization stands for. But beyond that, it’s validation that some boys, in fact, don’t mind having you around–and might actually like you. Now, I know you’re thinking, “But Drunk, how do I become one of these enviable dream girls?” Relax. Luckily, I became sweetheart of all 22 fraternities (and three coed honor societies) during my undergrad years, so just follow my guide and you’ll assume the title in no time.

Get To Know The Guys

If you’re going to be a fraternity’s sweetheart, you obviously need to know the guys pretty well. Yes, talking to them might answer some questions, and yes, social media stalking might answer a few more. But if you’re really committed to earning your title of sweetheart, you must go borderline restraining order-worthy on each of them. Find out what their grandmother’s maiden name was, what their sister’s astrology sign is, and what grade they got in algebra freshman year of high school. You know, things only someone who was really close with them would know. This is a surefire way to prove your dedication.

Beat Out (Read: “Up”) The Competition

It’s always important to know who you’re up against in the running for sweetheart. By “know who you’re up against,” I mean “sabotage them by all means necessary.” Watch “Mean Girls” for the millionth time, or, if you have the willpower to listen to Anne Hathaway’s voice for two hours, watch “Bride Wars” for inspiration. However, everything has to be done discretely–you can’t do anything that would hurt your own chances of being crowned. So, while it may seem like a good idea to trip those other bitches as they walk on stage for their campaign speech, stick to the Swedish Kalteen bars, blue hair dye, and rumors that she might have Ebola.

Do Nice Things For Them

It’s a lesson we learned very early in life: if you want people to like you, do nice things for them. Rent a U-Haul and take all the brothers’ laundry to a laundromat with same-day service. It doesn’t matter if they ask you to do it or not, it’s the thought that counts. Other things you could do include calling all their moms to tell them everything is alright at school, making each brother the best damn cooler he’s ever laid eyes on, or instituting a “free BJ before exams” policy. Hell, you could even donate money to plant a tree in Africa under the name “[Your name] loves Delta Upsilon” for all I care–just make sure they’re well taken care of and always know how much you care.

Become More Than An “Honorary Brother”

If you’re ever nervous about where you stand in the running for fraternity sweetheart, it’s important to remember the following mantra: “when in doubt, whore it out.” At my school, you had to sleep with seven guys to become an “honorary brother” of a fraternity. Since this title is clearly only reserved for bitches who don’t actually care, you should aim to at least double this number in your quest for sweetheart. Learning their likes and dislikes will make it easier for you to get to know them on an individual basis. Plus, it will also give them an opportunity to connect with you on a “deeper level” (pun intended).

Appoint Yourself

Who needs a man’s validation to tell us how dignified, delightful, and desirable we are? This is 2014, ladies! If you don’t receive any sweetheart nominations from the men of a particular fraternity, just appoint yourself. (Bonus points if it’s your ex-boyfriend’s.) Tell all of the brothers how thankful you are for the title and that you can’t wait to start acting as the female face of the chapter. In order to be recognizable all over campus, I recommend stealing a few pieces of lettered clothing from brothers you don’t know particularly well. This will act as a great opportunity for them to get to know you better when they come asking for their stuff back! Come composite picture season, always make sure to call the company responsible for the printing the day before they’re set to go to press–it would be so embarrassing if your picture wasn’t included.

Good luck, and happy sweethearting!

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Drunk but not in love

(@DrunkNOTinLove) is a die-hard Splenda addict who requires a constant supply of caffeine and male attention to make it through the day. After graduating with her degree in Economics, she now focuses her energy on adding a "Home" to her degree title by perfecting the "intelligent drunk," and conning a banker into marrying her one day. Originally from New England, she is a hardcore Boston sports fan, but only when boys are around. Almost all of her calories consumed Thursday - Saturday (and the occasional Tuesday) are from $7 bottles of Yellowtail Moscato, and in no way, shape, or form is she fazed by this. All forms of hate mail and date party inquiries can be sent to drunkbutnotinlove@gmail.com

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