Girls don’t poop. It’s a fact confirmed by science, as well as by every girl who has ever lived. Have you ever heard a girl say that she’s pooped? I bet you haven’t heard her laugh at a poop joke before, either. In fact, she sometimes responds to the word “poop” with a confused look. It’s like she doesn’t even know what it is.
The only conclusion I can come to from this is that no girl poops. I mean, can you imagine if they did? They’d have to be really sneaky about it–so sneaky that society has never been able to confirm that this even happens. It’s almost as if they would need a guide, a secret set of rules, and a secrecy pact that keeps this phenomenon under lock and key. A guide that would, in fact, look a little something like this.
Three’s Company
The best way to escape blame is to blame someone else, and that’s easily the best way to escape getting caught. Every time you have company over, go to the restroom IMMEDIATELY after your guest. You’ll easily be able to pass off any blame on your unsuspecting target.
Always Go After Him
The time he’s least likely to go to the restroom is right after he’s already been. Your nose will regret this decision immediately, but your dignity will not. Power through the pain, and realize that whatever torment you’re going through, nothing could be worse than the horror on his face when he realizes that yes, his girlfriend actually poops.
Wait Until He’s Distracted
Is your guy just putting on a movie? Starting a video game? Settling down with a good book? Perfect. This is your time to strike. Quickly excuse yourself, and then come back to participate in whatever he’s involved in. He probably didn’t even notice you were gone.
Put Down The Lysol Spray
Nothing says, “I just got rid of a huge load” like 10 seconds of aerosol spray and industrial cleaner smell. The secret to your success is perfume. When you flush, immediately spray your favorite scent four or five times directly into the bowl. The flush will mask the sound, and your successor will never be the wiser.
Pro Tip: Can’t sneak any perfume or body spray in with you? A few squirts of soap will also do the trick.
Public Restrooms Are Your Friend
I know. I KNOW. They’re gross and you can get AIDS from toilet seats, right? Well, that’s a risk you’re going to have to take. If you wouldn’t rather get AIDS than let a nearby male know there’s even a chance of you pooping, you deserve to get caught.
Standardize Your Bathroom Time
Nothing will give you away like breaking up your 30-second bathroom trips with a seven-minute staycay with Cosmo. Instead, make every bathroom trip a standard three or four minutes. Even an observant male won’t be able to pick out the time differences in your trips, and it will never occur to him that something unpleasant is occurring.
Have A Task To Complete
An unfortunate fact is that some restroom trips take longer than others. Therefore, you should always have a task to complete in the restroom. If you are ever greeted with, “What were you doing in there?” after a long trip, you should always be able to lie quickly and convincingly. Put a confused look on your face IMMEDIATELY and say, “I was straightening my hair?” “I was putting on moisturizer?” or “I was fixing my makeup?” Make sure to add the question mark on the end of your reply to show an appropriate amount of innocence and confusion. It’s also helpful if your activity is of a feminine nature that would confuse him so he’s not prompted to ask follow-up questions. He’ll be so relieved that (he doesn’t believe that) you weren’t pooping that he won’t even notice if your curling iron was never even on.
Maximize Every Second Of Alone Time
This is a battlefield, and every second counts. Is he running to get gas? Picking up paper towels? Leaving for work two minutes before you? Good. These are all your windows of opportunity. Plan around them and use them wisely.
Deny, Deny, Deny
The first rule of Fight Club is that you never talk about Fight Club. Under no circumstances should you ever, EVER refer to, allude to, or admit to pooping as a female. The key to our success is that men WANT to believe we don’t poop; therefore, if we never give them any reason to believe this, they won’t. Always deny. Deny firmly and with passion. Get offended. Storm away. Cry. Whatever it takes, deny, and I promise you, your secret will stay safe..
Image via Shutterstock
This column was originally published on August 25, 2014
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RecruitmentChairTSM
RecruitmentChairTSM (@TheRecruitChair) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move. This current grad student and ex-sorority girl survives solely on Diet Coke and the tears of the pledges she personally victimized. She's a Monica, a Marnie, a Miranda, and a Regina. Her favorite hobbies include drinking $14 bottles of wine and binge-watching season 2 of Grey's Anatomy until she cries. You can send her annoying e-mails at RecruitChairTSM@gmail.com
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