If you’re a sweetheart of the best fraternity on campus, everyone knows you’re the tits. It’s a title that makes men want you and women want to be you. That’s basically what the Heisman Trophy represents for college football players. This Saturday, a committee will select the 78th Heisman winner. Usually, whoever did the best job of carrying his team will win the award. I think this method is tired, and that the Heisman committee should vote for its winner the same way fraternities vote for their sweethearts. They don’t just choose a sweetheart based on her appearance, though I’m sure that’s a factor, they also consider her personality, and sometimes what tricks she knows in the bedroom. Likewise, the Heisman winner should be judged, not only by what he can do on the field, but off the field as well.
Here are the top 3 finalists:
JOHNNY FOOTBALL (Johnny Manziel)
-Freshman Quarterback for Texas A&M
-First freshman to pass for 3,000 and rush for 1,000 yards in a season
-Broke several SEC records previously held by the likes of Cam Newton, Tim Tebow, and Archie Manning (father of Eli and Peyton)
Johnny may become the first freshman in history to win the Heisman Trophy, but I don’t think I can ever forgive him for beating Alabama. It’s like trying to be friends with your roommate after she screwed the guy you like. It may have only happened once, and it will probably never happen again, but the memory still burns like a shot of cheap vodka. So, am I bitter towards Johnny? Perhaps. Do I care? No.
I’d also like to note that I have no respect for a guy who wants to be seen with a girl who dresses like this in public. I’m going to assume she reeked of aristocrat and herpes. And does anybody else see the resemblance between Johnny and Oscar the Grouch?
On to the next one.
-Senior Quarterback for Kansas State
-Holder of Kansas State’s rushing yards and touchdowns record
To sum up Collin in one sentence, he is basically the not-as-cute, not-as-interesting, midwest version of Tim Tebow. Until he was 22 years old, Collin had never kissed a girl. In fact, he had never kissed a girl until the day he married the woman he’d known for under a year. Can you fathom that? Four-five years of college with zero drunken makeouts and no regrets? I had my first kiss when I was 12, which is an entire decade ahead of him.
-Senior Linebacker for Notre Dame
-Third most tackles in Notre Dame history
-Longest starting streak of any linebacker in the country
Now, hear me out. I know he has that giant tribal tattoo on his arm and looks like a WWE wrestler, but I think Te’o has some depth to him. Sadly, he lost both his grandmother and his girlfriend in a span of 24 hours this past September. Before his girlfriend died, she made him promise he wouldn’t miss a football game if something happened to her, and guess what: HE DIDN’T! That’s a story Nicholas Sparks couldn’t write himself. Te’o may seem like a tough guy on the outside, but I’d bet my entire Marc Jacobs collection he’s a teddy bear.
If the Heisman selection worked like the selection of sweethearts does, the right way, Manti Te’o would be the clear winner. He’s dominant on the field and classy off of it. He’s the Noah Calhoun of football, which is more than good enough for me.