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A Guide To Becoming The Queen Bee

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“I can’t help that I’m popular.” This overused but always relevant line basically sums up most of our college lives. We’re pretty, we’re popular, boys like us, and girls want to be us. Parties don’t start until we walk in, and employers are just biding their time until we can grace them with our professional presence.

LOL JK.

You think you’re really funny and interesting because girls loved you during rush. You think guys adore you because they buy you drinks and say, “You’re not like other girls.” (FYI, you’re like EVERY other girl.) You think you have SO many friends because you drink your brains out with half-witted people every night.

Not to be a bitch (despite the fact that I am a stone cold one) but you’re wrong.

If you’re like the majority of Generation Y, you are doing some things completely wrong. Sure, it’s fun to be the asshole who laughs at shittier sororities, steals boyfriends, and passes out on the bathroom floor every night, but does that actually attract the kind of people you want to hang around?

If so, then disregard this and kindly never let me meet you, in fear of having to physically bitch-slap you for sucking at life.

If you happen to realize that this sort of existence, while fun for a while (and it is DAMN fun) is also a horrible way to actually succeed at life, then please, read on. Thank you for giving some hope to the future.

Write Thank You Notes
“No thanks. Next. Moving on.” Right? Is there ANYTHING worse than receiving a gift from someone (a someone who spent time, money, resources, or has an emotional investment in it) and having to write a total of three sentences on a piece on 50 cent paper, slip it into another piece of paper, and stick a little piece of paper onto it before walking ALL THE WAY to the mailbox? Yes, there is. It’s called not receiving anything because you’re a selfish bitch who doesn’t write thank you notes. So write them. And no, email doesn’t count.

Listen To People
“I totally listen to people allllll the time.” Yeah, you don’t. Listening means putting down your phone, making eye contact (eye contact means looking someone in the eyes or at that person’s face, not staring over his or her shoulder and looking around for someone better to talk to) and absorbing what he or she has to say, as opposed to thinking about why your boyfriend hasn’t texted you back. Brownie points for asking follow up questions.

Put Down Your Phone
As I mentioned above, putting down your phone goes hand-in-hand with listening. Is there anything more frustrating than talking to a friend about how you threw up in your purse last weekend while you watch her scroll through her news feed the entire time? Like, bitch, my story is more important than pictures of people you hate. Make a rule where your friends have to put away their phones when eating or hanging out or you’ll take them and smash them into a million effing pieces and spit on them in rage. Or just, like, stop texting when other people are talking. Duh.

Speak Up
Important Note: I mean speak up on important issues. Like, if you or your friends feel disrespected or if your pledge sister actually does look really fat in those dumb, lime green pants. Don’t speak up about things like your diet (you didn’t lose three pounds, we don’t care), your boyfriend (or worse, your lack of one), or the fact that the random you hooked up with liked your profile picture. Again. (Thanks, but seriously, no thanks.)

Appreciate Things
Let’s cut the shit for a second. We are young, beautiful (on the outside at least), and healthy despite our alcohol-filled diets. We are getting an education (sort of) and we have lots of friends–and no, we didn’t pay for them, asshole–to keep us entertained. We have families who care about us and people who want us to succeed. I know its fun to be the bitch, but you can be the bitch WHILE realizing you’re a damn lucky bitch for all that you have. At least tip the bartender every now and again. Free drinks doesn’t really mean free.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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