A Guide To Game Day For The Clueless Girl


If you’re anything like me then you have been blessed with a legitimate love of sports as well as an impressive kitchen skill set. It’s like I’m a combination of Samantha Ponder and Paula Deen, without, of course, Sam’s Jonas Brothers-esque pre-marital chastity vow or Ms. Deen’s horrendous, diabetes inducing obesity. Unfortunately, not every female is as lucky or talented as I am, and most women have trouble finding a way to power through the usually man-run occasion that is a GAME DAY.

Even if you manage to manipulate a man into thinking that you’re tolerable during a sporting event, it won’t last, because despite how oblivious we think men are, they aren’t, at least about sports anyway. Your faking will get old and you may become seemingly transparent as the game unfolds. If you do happen to be disingenuous with your love of the game and everything that is game day, then do yourself a favor and heed my advice, because it’s never, ever, too early to start thinking about game day, and with spring football starting up (not to mention a summer full of baseball games to attend!) you can never be too prepared.

1. Know The Basics

Every sport has basics. When your team brings the ball into the end zone (that cool colorful part that probably has your team’s logo or colors) you cheer. A guy from your team is the one putting the basketball into the net – you cheer. When a guy from your team successfully runs past home plate – you should cheer then too. You should obviously figure out ahead of time which team is indeed “your team” if you haven’t already. But really, please tell me you have. The basics are quite simple, hence the reason they’re called “the BASICS,” and it is something that even the drunkest of game day girls should be able to handle. If a 9-year-old boy can figure it out, I think you can too.

2. Take Advantage Of The Tailgate/Pre-Game

Speaking of drunk, if you really are clueless beyond help, then you should probably slap the bag one too many times in front of everyone at the tailgate or start taking pulls out of the tequila bottle during the pre-game. If you do that, you might have a halfway decent excuse for your obliviousness. You’ll have a good time regardless of how much you like, or even know, about the game. No one will fault you for your sloppiness (you’re in college, after all) and it will probably take minimal effort for you to be able to convince one or more of your sisters to get hammered with you.

3. Ask The Men

If you have a frat daddy who claims to be a gentleman (spoiler alert: he probably isn’t), then you could ask him to explain the game to you. Most likely he will actually be honored that he’s the one that you’re going to for an explanation of this oh so complicated sport, if only because when he spouts his ridiculous sports opinions to you they won’t be met with jeers and ruthless, alcohol fueled counter-arguments, like they would be if he were talking to his fraternity brothers. Guys like to sound like they know everything, and in this case you’re letting them do just that. Plus, you’ll get to spend some time with whoever you’re into this week, and who knows; maybe you’ll actually learn something.

4. Pass Out And Rally: Female Edition

If you’re familiar with this term, great, if not, I’m sorry that you’re just not a good time. It’s pretty much a staple for any game day, regardless of the sport or time of year. After the initial pass out commonly associated with games earlier in the day (damn you 11:00AM kickoffs!), you need to get yourself back out in the action for the night cap. Fix your hair, fix your makeup, take another shot or two, and proceed with pretending to actually know something about sports, in case everyone still wants to talk about the game.

5. Look Good

Dress up in your best game day attire. Make yourself into a piece of eye candy even a gay man couldn’t resist. When you look hot as hell, who really cares how much you know about the game, right? Enough said.


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