Last week, a column was submitted to TSM entitled “Power Ranking All The Guys I’ve Hooked Up With.” Naturally, I felt inspired to rank the guys on my rosters, past and present as well. (Unfortunately, this led to me contacting a lot of guys on my rosters past and present the next time I got drunk enough, but that’s neither here nor there.)
I read the writer’s list, and tried to rank my own former trysts, but it proved to be more difficult than I thought. If your number dips onto the second hand, it’s not so cut and dry. Ranking the first and last were easy, but men’s sexual performance is on a bell curve. A couple are great, a couple are terrible but the large bulk of them are just “meh.” So is one forgettable hookup better than another? Based purely on performance, it’s impossible to tell. So you have to bring other things in the mix.
So to properly rank them all, you need to do the following.
1. Performance
Write down the names of every guy you’ve had sex with, in no particular order. (Spooky!) Beside their names create a “performance” column. Rate every guy, not in comparison with each other, but on their own. Give their performance a score from 1-10 (do not give someone a ranking of zero). If you’re having trouble scoring them, start at 5, subtract points if he said something cringey like “You like that” or moaned too loudly. Add points for a solid effort with oral, substantial post-coital cuddling, experimenting with weird shit, and an orgasm.
2. Hotness
Create a hotness category. This is pretty easy, rank the dude 1-10 based on how hot he is. I’d lump dick size into this category, because it’s physical. So if he’s super hot but as a small ween, subtract a point or two. Curved like a boomerang, with the face of an angel? Dude’s not ranking higher than a 7. Dad bod, but his dick is a gift from the heavens, bump that sucker up. Do you.
3. Feelings
Like it or not, your feelings for a guy can have an effect how good the hookup was. It feels impossible not to take into account the fact that you had all different kinds of sex and *barf* love-making with the boyfriend you dated for years. And that counts for something. It’s important when you’re in this category to only rank YOUR OWN feelings for him AT THE TIME OF THE HOOKUP. Don’t let him later (even the next day) being a complete asshole affect this score, because they didn’t affect it in the moment. 1-10, how much you liked him (regardless of how much he liked you). Go.
4. How Much He Made You Want To Die
See? You didn’t think I’d let this go unaccounted for. If he had a horribly shitty personality or you felt really bad about yourself after sleeping with him, that’s important. However, his personality doesn’t affect how good the hookup was quite as much as the other categories. For that reason, the “Personality” factor is only going to be on a scale of 1-5 (feel free to award half points). If he was a terrible douchebag who made you feel tortured daily — didn’t call, ignored you in the streets, and was constantly out with other women — even though you loved him so much, you’ll give him a 1. If he was your best friend that you didn’t really ever have feelings for, but he cared for you endlessly and would do anything to make you happy, he gets a 5. This category isn’t about how you feel, it’s about how he treated you.
From here, add up each guy’s scores in every category so they have a final score out of 35. For the most part, each guy will have a different ranking, so it will be easy to place them in order based on their score. Tie goes to the guy you hooked up with for longer.
TL;DR
Performance: Score 1-10
Hotness: Score 1-10
Your Feelings: Score 1-10
How He Treated You: Score 1-5
Add up scores
Rank
Tie goes to more consistent person in your life.
And there you have it. All your formers are shook..
Nice Move240
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
@VeronicaRuckh
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