Tired of RA’s knocking on your door at 10 p.m. because you were playing the Biebs too loud? Feeling imprisoned by the rules that don’t allow you to have candles, microwaves, or 4 cats in your dorm room? If this sounds like a dilemma you are currently experiencing, it may be time to start looking into renting your first trap home. When there’s no Greek housing on campus, what else is a girl to do?
I know what you’re thinking. “I don’t deal drugs. I don’t even do drugs. Do people even live in trap houses..?” (Urban dictionary says they don’t. But whatever, be your own person.) As a now six month tenant of such a home, I am highly qualified to inform you of all the experiences and benefits a trap home can provide. Hear me out.
Attaining one of these college essentials is simple. After months of viewing and adjusting plans, find the perfect house. Then, the night before turning in your application, have one of your future roommates transfer schools after getting back together with her boyfriend located two hours away. Once you and your now only roommate realize how screwed you are, pick the first listing for a 2-bedroom house, tour it once, then sign that lease!
Trap houses aren’t just fun for college kids, but parents too. Have yours help with the move in process, and see if they can spot all the great features. These might include single pane windows, windows without locks, and a lack of carbon monoxide detectors. They might be terrified for your life, but remind them that living in a trap home with another girl is totally and completely safe. Every trap home comes with its own security system. Here’s how it works: take a self-defense class and hope and pray you never have to use it. Don’t forget to thank your parents for funding your very own trap house!
The best homes within the trap style category come with an ancient fuse box. My first trap home was built in 1929, making it not only a Great Depression survivor, but also the most depressing house I have had the pleasure of residing in. This specific feature alone will seal the deal for you. Ancient fuse boxes don’t just have a flip to switch when you blow a fuse. You get to screw in bulbs!
My favorite experience with these bulbs happened in our utility room. After plugging in our washer, creating sparks, and blowing the fuse, we bought a new bulb to replace the fuse. I plugged it in, and heard a strange noise. I thought for sure that I had started a fire, but no worries! I had just made the coils on the back of the washer spark and burnt a hole, causing water to shoot out.
After a few minutes of panic and chaos, my roommate and I figured out how to turn off the water to the house and wrapped electric tape around the burnt coil until our 26-year-old landlord came with his dad the next day to fix it. What a time to be alive.
You want to know the best thing about owning an older (or “vintage,” as we like to call it) trap home? Literally everything breaks. All the time. Sometimes there’s not even a reason — it’s just old and tired! You learn a lot about yourself when you live in a trap home, like how to get ready in the dark when the electricity goes out or how to make a healthy, nutritious dinner in a microwave. It builds character. Like, a lot of character. Probably too much.
Do you want to make unforgettable memories like these? Are you searching for neighbors that will inform you of where to buy drugs on your street? Looking for experience in fixing leaking sinks? Sounds like now is the time for you to get your first trap home! Hurry, your most regrettable investment awaits!.