A Hilarious Breakdown Of Your Possible Labor Day Plans

Labor Day

Whether you want to admit it or not, this weekend is Labor Day. Not that there is anything extremely great about Labor Day (aside from the three-day weekend), but you more than likely have some sort of plan of how you want to spend this fake holiday. You either have just started back to school or you’re about to go back, and this weekend is about one last hurrah before the summer ends, school picks up, and fall sets in.

So without further ado, I give you the breakdown on all your possible LDW plans and the must haves for each event, because I care.

Weekend Beach Trip

You fully recognize this is one of the last weekends of summer and you are planning on taking advantage of it in every way imaginable. You want to drink and party, obviously, but you also want to soak up some sun and put the finishing touches on your tan. This weekend is about being drunk just as much as it is about relaxing before school starts to get too intense. And if there is a hookup with the random hottie from a neighboring school, then that just makes the weekend all the better.

Event Must Haves:
• Bikini, the skimpier the better.
• Tanning oil.
• Decorated Bubba Kegs and fruity cocktails.


You like to believe you’re a flower child, but we all know you are just a basic bitch who wants to rage face and experiment with low-key drugs. You bought the festival ticket because you knew the headliner and maybe one or two other performers. But you’ll still go and pretend to sing along with the underground band to impress the cutie next to you. You’re not fooling anyone, but the effort is still appreciated.

Event Must Haves:
• Flower headband and tapestry of a tree to hang on a branch like a fucking hippy.
• Your drugs of choice.
• Water. Lots and lots of water.

Couple’s Retreat

Let me start off by saying that everyone gets it. You and your on-again-off-again bf are practically married. Cool. Your idea of a fun weekend getaway is a mountain house where you will casually sip mid-shelf wine and sit by the fire. If your guy is an overachiever, maybe he’ll even grill some over-done steaks for dinner. You’ll have a quaint, lovely weekend, but deep inside, when you hear stories of what your sisters did, FOMO will start to sit in. You realize that you’ll have years to be a couple, but limited time to be a college fuckup. So upon returning to school you’ll go out for a week straight to make up for the lost weekend. Plus side, at least you get four days of uninterrupted sex.

Event Must Haves:
• Wine.
• Condoms (or not. Whatever).
• Lingerie.

Casual “Adult” BBQ

You think you’re an adult, don’t you? Chances are, you’re a senior and some of your best friends who just graduated are still in the area. They invited you out to some party that a co-worker was throwing. And since you’re bored with college parties and college guys, you said yes. This seems like a good idea. You’ll go out with girls you don’t get a chance to see all the time, meet some hot postgrad with an established job, and act like the adult you are. But here’s the thing, you aren’t an adult. At least, not quite. And while a casual holiday sounds fun in theory, you’ll be ready to claw your fucking eyes out by hour two due to the lack of fun. Stick to what you know, and don’t try to grow up too quick.

Event Must Haves:
• Sunglasses (all the better to hide your unamusement).
• Craft beer or something hipster in a mason jar.
• The common sense to skip this event and do something else.

Day Drink Your Face Off

You probably forgot this weekend was even Labor Day Weekend, didn’t you? That or you’re too lazy to plan anything so you just assumed you’d go to whatever frat was hosting the best event this weekend. Not going to lie, this is always a risky bet. You could either have the most wild, insane time ever, or you could be stuck in a backyard with a bunch of underclassmen you don’t know and don’t like, wondering why you aren’t off doing something more entertaining. If this is you, take the chance, roll the dice, and may the odds be ever in your favor.

Event Must Haves:
• Vodka, vodka, vodka. And some more vodka.
• Beer bong/funnel.
• Plenty of weed.

And hey, if all else fails, at least there’s no class on Monday.

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Champagne Showers is a contributing writer for TSM. She is your typical Northern Diva. If curse words, sexual content, and drug use offend you, then bless your heart. CS will continue living the life you're too scared to live. email her at:

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