A Letter From the New House Gramma

My Dearest Edna,

I am writing to you to let you know that I’ve done it. With Theodore’s passing I decided I’d come back to the house we once called our own. We always joked that we’d do it some day. Never say “was” with ***. We’ll be *** ‘til the day we die. And my word, is it good to be back. Everything’s changed, but it’s all the same. I must say though, I worry about these girls sometimes. A few of them came in the other day crying because of something to do with bid day. One of the sisters had some sort of gathering that night. A sort of get-to-know you night, with ice-breakers and such. There was no alcohol of course, they assured me. They said they just had lots of Coke for the girls which they thought was really funny, but some rival sorority is fabricating stories to get them in trouble! I’m glad that they care so much about their letters, but they’re being so silly!

They have absolutely nothing to worry about. They were all ladies. Plenty of them didn’t even come home that night, because it was a slumber party, but others wanted to sleep in their own beds. I miss those days, I really do. Can you believe it’s been 50 years?

I’m concerned also with their obsession with the fraternities on campus. They talk all the time about this one and that one. They’re so concerned about their health! They get upset that they won’t wear raincoats. I would be too. I wouldn’t want my beau to catch a chill, but they’ll throw tantrums about it that practically move them to tears. Were we so misguided? And Edna dear, I took a trip to the laundry room, the undergarments these girls wear are simply SINFUL. I’ll say it gives the impression they aren’t wearing any at all! That’s no way to find a husband. I’ve already picked up some cotton panties to put in their stockings.

Other than that, you’d be so proud to hear how well the girls are doing. They’re beautiful young ladies and are esteemed members of this campus and the Greek community. They’re smart too, but they have this dreadful way of speaking. It took me some time to decipher what they were saying at first, but I later realized they were just abbreviating everything, and for the life of me, I don’t know why. It concerns me how tan and thin most of them are though. Some people might start to think they’re those hungry African children, and we wouldn’t want that. They must not be eating properly, and they wonder why they’re single! Lord! No man wants a women who looks like a 12-year-old girl! Perhaps they’re late bloomers. I was considering fattening up their diet a little so they’re at a healthier weight. They’ll be so glad I came!

Well I must be off. Do come visit!


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