Congratulations are in order, of course. Congratulations on being the first one out of all of us to get your shit together for long enough to get someone to marry you. While the rest of us have been drinking our single girl sorrows away on a nightly basis, you’ve been dedicating yourself to one truly great guy. What’s your secret? The rest of us are dying to know. Seriously, we’re dying over here.
I’m so happy for you, and I’m so honored to be part of your bridal party. You’ve been nothing short of a nightmare. I understand, though. This day is bigger than formal, it’s bigger than recruitment, and it has cost your parents about twenty times more than all four years of sorority dues. You have a right to scream at all of us to bring you a mimosa, and I think that flip-out on your makeup artist was (almost) completely justified. Nobody wants to look like a “tranny Kim Kardashian” on their wedding day, after all. I love you so much that I’m also going to forgive you for the heinous bridesmaid dresses you asked us all to wear. I’m not sure what type of seizures you were having when you decided hot pink was an acceptable color, but I’m going to go ahead and let this one slide. We both know there’s no fucking way we’ll be able to hem that and wear it again, but it’s totally fine because your cousin got so drunk he threw up on my dress after the reception.
Thanks again for having all of us share in your special day with you. There’s nothing I could have wanted more than to spend $2,000 celebrating the fact that you’re already ahead of the rest of us in life. Nothing screams “I’m totally stable” quite like scrambling for a semi acceptable wedding date to bring to my best friend’s black tie affair. Showing up single would have been the only thing worse than showing up with a date who later blacked out and had to be put to bed halfway through dinner. Sorry about that too, actually. Seriously though, thanks for giving me a plus one on the invitation, even if it was only to tell me you had enough faith in my ability to land a decent guy.
As happy as I am for you, I’m even more excited we got to use your wedding as an excuse to get our group of friends back together. Since graduation, we’ve all gone to different cities and started our own separate lives. It was nice to be able to reunite and drink like we were freshman in celebration of your lifelong happiness. Be sure to tell your parents thanks again for the open bar. Send my apologies to the hotel, by the way. Your wedding planner informed us she’d never seen a bridal party tear through that much vodka in the history of weddings.
Even though your big day was a reminder of how alone the rest of us are and how terrible we all look in chiffon, it truly was the most fun night of my life. As stressed as I’ve been this past year trying to make sure your special day was absolutely perfect, and as often as I wanted to strangle you for being a total bridezilla, it was all worth it. Truthfully, I’ve learned that if any of us are lucky, we get a few really close, really special girlfriends in life, and being able to share these important moments is more of an honor than a hassle. I’m sorry for the hate emails I sent to your now sister-in-law in a bout of stress, but in my defense, she was being a real bitch when it came to planning your bachelorette party.
When it comes down to it, you’re my best friend, and being able to stand up on your big day was the greatest honor I’ve ever had in my life. As much as we all complained about it, spending a year of my life focusing on your happiness wasn’t the issue. Honestly, I would have spent all that time and money four times over just to see you beaming like you were while you walked down the aisle. You were an absolutely flawless bride, and I’m so lucky to be able to have shared in this important time in your life with you.
Just know that you fucking owe me if I can ever trick some poor fool into marrying me.