Ladies, I’d like to reveal a dangerous secret to you. Men have tried to keep it hidden for millennia, but there’s no use in hiding it anymore. Some of you already have suspicions that it’s true, but don’t have the confidence to believe it yet. Some dying cultures still actively repress women in a last ditch attempt to keep them under control. Hopefully I won’t get blackballed from Team Penis for revealing this simple truth to you: women control the world.
Men are simple beings. We get pushed out of the vagina and spend our whole lives trying to get back in. Not the same vagina, obviously. That’s gross and illegal in most places–well, besides Mississippi.
Men do all sorts of stupid things chasing after money, but it’s all just to impress you. We get flashy cars, big houses, nice things–it’s all peacocking. It’s our way of saying, “Hey, look at me. I’m different. Look at my awesome nest full of shiny things. Care for some sex?”
When you get down to it, sex is always the ulterior motive. It’s not really our fault. It’s programmed into our DNA. Every species on Earth has some sort of weird mating ritual, and man’s is just the most complex and absurd.
Your average guy might start out with standards, but as the alcohol takes effect, his standards drop significantly. Some guys get so smashed that they don’t care who they have sex with, as long as they have sex with someone. And most of the time, women aren’t willing to give it to them.
Ladies, remember the lessons of supply and demand. You have the most valuable commodity on Earth. Gold and oil can’t touch it with a 10-foot pole, and every single guy you meet is trying to trick you into giving it up. Deep down, we all know that women are just as horny as men. Convincing girls of that isn’t too difficult with a lit bit of confidence, a dash of charm, and a ton of booze.
Throughout most of history, men haven’t had to succumb to women, mainly because they are usually physically stronger. That’s obviously a generalization, though, because I’ve seen some huge bitches before.
Genetics aside, men have been warlike for most of our existence. Beautiful women were dangerous back in the days of hunting and gathering. If another tribe saw your females, they’d come in the middle of the night, kill the men with clubs, and steal the women. As culture evolved and civil rights emerged, women broke free from being treated like property. Now, women are completely equal under the law–at least in the countries that matter. There is still a lot of sexism and favoritism, especially in the workplace, but Western women have pretty much earned their equality. Women became empowered. Men had to compete for them. Men had to earn them.
Being the crafty animals that we are, men quickly adapted to the new, competitive model. Competition among men shifted the balance of power, and now, women hold the power of selection–which means women control the world.
Women have the pussy, without which man’s existence is pointless. On a subconscious level, everything men do is in the name of impressing women. Guys who spend hours in the gym know what I’m talking about. They don’t do it so they can masturbate naked in front of the mirror (although some surely do). They do it to impress chicks.
Not every guy out there has the genes or the disposition to work out every day. They’re forced to figure out some other way to impress girls–maybe they pick up a guitar, write a poem, or paint something. There are millions of ways to impress chicks that have nothing to do with the way a guy looks. Many women don’t even care about big muscles or a great head of hair. They want a guy who is thoughtful or funny or successful.
That’s why some of the smartest nerds get paid so much. They couldn’t compete with stronger, more physically attractive alpha males, so they pursued science or math–something they know jocks suck at. Do you think we’d have awesome shit like smart phones and computers today if people like Bill Gates got laid in high school?
Many men pursue careers that offer economic stability in order to validate themselves as possible mates and prove that they can provide for a family. Sex is a powerful motivator. Just look at nature. Even the simplest life forms are compelled to mate.
Man’s ritual is his life. Whatever he chooses to do, whether it’s an art, craft, or career, has subconscious roots in the desire to impress potential mates. Entire symphonies have been composed out of sexual frustration. Everything men do, we do for you…
After all, why do you think I wrote this article?
Image via Sudocrem