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A Play-By-Play Of Every Thought You’ve Ever Had While Attempting To Diet

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The Realization

  1. Started the day normally with a donut (or three) and a large, iced latte.
  2. Look in mirror while sitting down and realize there are three separate rolls.
  3. THREE.
  4. This is not okay. No wonder boys hate me.
  5. Cry.
  6. Decide mirror is warped. Go to a different mirror.
  7. Try to put on jeans only to realize they don’t pass your thighs.
  8. Go into a deep state of denial.
  9. Decide never to eat again.
  10. Eat chicken tenders drenched in ranch dressing.
  11. Decide you’ll start a diet tomorrow.
  12. Google pictures of celebrities you wish you looked like.
  13. “Fitspiration? More like I hate you and your photoshopped abs.”
  14. The only reason celebrities are skinny is because they have personal trainers.
  15. I COULD BE SKINNY IF I HAD A PERSONAL TRAINER.
  16. Order a pizza and eat all of the cookie dough in the fridge.
  17. Go on Pinterest and look up workout motivation for three hours.
  18. Cry.

Devising A Plan

  1. Drink protein shake for breakfast.
  2. Almost faint from hunger about an hour later.
  3. Eat a blueberry muffin (it has fruit).
  4. Decide you’re going to give up all carbs, sugars, and basically anything delicious.
  5. Purchase three different gym memberships.
  6. Buy new workout clothes since you’ll basically be living at the gym now.
  7. Drive by the gym with intentions of going in.
  8. Realize you forgot a water bottle so decide to just work out tomorrow.
  9. Get frozen yogurt on the way home. It’s healthy, because it’s yogurt.
  10. Sign up for a 5K next week.
  11. Take “before” pictures.
  12. “There is no way I actually look like that.”
  13. “I can never be naked again.”
  14. Delete the pictures for fear that someone will somehow see them.
  15. Decide you’ll start your diet tomorrow.
  16. Eat three servings of General Tso’s chicken.
  17. Cry.

Putting The Plan Into Action

  1. Eat an egg for breakfast.
  2. Realize how much you miss pancakes.
  3. Sit in the car and stare at the gym for 10 minutes.
  4. Decide you HAVE to go in.
  5. Wonder how the hell girls walk around in just a sports bra.
  6. Sluts.
  7. Curse yourself for remembering your water bottle.
  8. Actually work out for an hour.
  9. Feel like a Victoria’s Secret model.
  10. Weigh yourself and realize you GAINED a pound.
  11. How. The. Hell. Did. I. Gain. A. Pound?
  12. Fuck that.
  13. Cry.
  14. Eat grilled chicken and a salad for dinner.
  15. Wonder how “healthy people” eat this every single day.
  16. Search the entire kitchen and a few secret drawers for some type of chocolate.
  17. Cry.
  18. Watch a reality show about weighing 700 pounds and feel okay again.
  19. Decide you can totally do this.
  20. Realize tomorrow is Friday.
  21. Know that there is NO way you can eat healthy and avoid alcohol for an entire weekend.
  22. Call it quits and decide to start again Monday.
  23. Order a pizza.
  24. Realize you’re sexy and don’t need to change yourself. That’s why Thomas Edison invented the light switch, or whatever.
  25. Cry.

Image via Instagram

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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