It’s Sunday morning, and while you and your hangover are flirting with death, you make the mistake of checking your email. Much to your dismay, you find a snarky note from your risk management chair informing you you’ve been called to standards. Your heart sinks, and you replay your actions from the weekend wondering what you could have possibly done this time. More importantly, you think of how you can deny it. As someone who’s been sent to standards tons of times, without ever being sentenced to (dun dun dun) acting as a sober sister for the night, I think I can help you get out of trouble. It works every time. Trust me.
1. Clean up your social media. Delete drunken tweets and sloppy Instagram photos. They can’t prove anything if they don’t have the evidence.
2. Act like you don’t know why you are there. You’ll walk into the room and face a group of sisters you’d normally greet with hugs and laughter. Instead, you need to be timid and shy instead of your usual outgoing, bubbly self. Once seated, they will ask you the big question: “Do you know why you are here?” I don’t know why they even ask this question, or more relevantly, why anyone would answer it honestly. Of course I know why I’m here, but I’m not going to tell you that. Get quiet, act scared, and calmly answer, “No. I’m actually not quite sure.”
3. Nod your head and make it look like you’re listening. This is the hard one. The majority of the time, you’re hungover from the night before and all you want to do is vomit. Keep it together–you’re almost done. Smile and nod. Remember that body language is everything.
4. Cry! Tears work magic. Do whatever it takes to cry. Trust me on this one–it melts their hearts.
5. Thank them for their time and for hearing you out. Showing appreciation for their hard work will earn you bonus points.
6. Always try to have an excuse or an alibi. These work wonders. If you have a sister who can vouch for your actions, you are home free. Just make sure you both have your stories straight first.
7. Be proud of yourself. I’m not saying you should try to be sent to standards, but don’t beat yourself up over it if it happens. Being sent to standards isn’t the end of the world, so just be yourself, have fun, and make sure there is no proof of your actions on the Internet.