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A Step-By-Step Guide To Executing The Perfect Drunk Brunch

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It’s no secret that our generation is a fan of brunch. It encompasses every positive thing known to man: alcohol, carbs, and being a disheveled, hungover disaster of a human being. On top of that, you get to bring your friends along and discuss what horrible and drunken heathens you were the night before. So, it’s a win-win.

While drunk brunch, or drunch, may be a common part of your weekend debauchery, this may be the perfect setup to ensure that you not only get your daily amount of Eggs Benny, but that you also embarrass your friends to the point of tears in the process.

Step 1: Wake up just as drunk as the night before.
This is a crucial step in drunching, because it ensures that the food will taste better, the jokes will be raunchier, and you’ll drink twice as much, because why stop now? Extra points if you at any point don’t remember how you got to brunch in the first place.

Step 2: Put on an outfit that looks respectable, but only from a quarter of a mile away.
People from afar should comment on your ability to look so sharp on a Sunday morning, but people next to you should be concerned that you’re wearing a fur vest with an XL fraternity rush tee, which you deemed acceptable.

Step 3: Pick a brunch spot that is yummy.
Good food sets you up for a stomach that can handle the hours and hours of drinking you are about to embark on.

Step 4: Order a Bloody, a mimosa, and a Diet Coke. Yes, all three.
You’ve been drinking for what seems like days, and you’ll need to replenish yourself with fluids, obviously of the alcoholic variety. Your server will automatically hate you, but due to your inebriated state, you’ll leave such a generous tip that he or she will hope you come back every Sunday.

Step 5: Open up the floor for discussion.
Start with some light conversation topics, such as whose boobs did you see out in public or who threw up in the bathroom and tried to blame it on someone else. You know, something fun.

Step 6: Order more drinks and ask the server if there is a way for the restaurant to merge with Chipotle.
Hold a straight face. Yes, you are serious.

Step 7: Bring out the phones. 
Now that you’ve loosened up a bit, it’s time to bring out your phones and embarrass the shit out of everyone until this group wishes they never became friends with you. The more awkward and disturbing the photo, the sooner you should show it to everyone at the table.

Step 8: A post-meal lull will wash over the table as everyone begins to come down from pancake highs and watch Snapchat stories.
Subsequently, an enormous commotion will erupt from the table as you all realize that one of your friends took a video of you climbing on top of a bar or trying to seduce the hotdog vendor for free food. Try to refrain from lunging across the table and strangling her. This may be brunch, be you still have manners.

Step 9: Whoever got a dick pic last night has to show it.
Come on–fess up, ladies.

Step 10: Realize that drunch has turned into a Sunday Funday and take your business elsewhere.
Preferably to the place where you left your credit card the night before so you don’t have to open a new tab. Better take advantage of it now–Monday is just around the corner.

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Babe Lincoln

Babe Lincoln (@Babe__Lincoln) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move and spends the majority of her time knocking back Franzia and introducing herself as "the female Johnny Manziel."

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