A Text Conversation Between Taylor Swift And Selena Gomez About Katy Perry’s New Album

A Text Conversation Between Taylor Swift And Selena Gomez About Katy Perry's New Album

Every week, shit goes down in Hollywood. And the stars have just as much to say about it as we do. So every Friday we’ll explore the ongoings of Hollywood’s elite through the conversations of Hollywood’s elite.

Taylor: Did you listen to the devil’s album yet?

Selena: No, but I watched Chained to the Rhythm

Taylor: What the fuck have you been doing? I told you to listen so I didn’t have to. And I’m not watching that. I want to pull an “I don’t know her” when people ask.

Selena: Oh, because you’re so honest with the media?

Taylor: I’m just trying to be my most authentic self.

Selena: Just watch the video. I promise you won’t regret it.

Taylor: Okay.

Taylor: …..

Taylor: What the shit is this?

Selena: Told you.

Taylor: Why is she so weird? Like. I don’t get her whole vibe. Commit to being a freak like Gaga or Miley, or just be normal. This weird hybrid where she wants to have strange bubble gum artsy music videos, but then show up to an awards show looking like a normal doesn’t make any sense.

Selena: I mean, probably because people only like her in Japan, so she’s just trying to appease them.

Taylor: And why fucking hamsters?

Selena: Because she’s talking about being enslaved essentially.

Taylor: No, I get the metaphor. I’m not an idiot. But why not like circus animals or something cool. Like lions or elephants or something big and majestic where you can see the pain in its eyes. Why a tiny fucking burger that would later be eaten by a rat?

Selena: Because she’s bizarre and always has been bizarre.

Taylor: Glad to see she’s making good use of my dancers, by the way.

Selena: Was she even in the video at all?

Taylor: Her foot. Which I’m sure provided a nice break for her tits, which were the stars of all her other videos.

Selena: And of literally everything else she’s ever done.

Taylor: Side. Can we talk about her “look” right now. Why is she doing a bootleg “Scream Queens” Chanel vibe right now?

Selena: I noticed that! What do you think of her as a blonde?

Taylor: Dumpster fire.

Selena: Okay, now objectively.

Taylor: Small flame in a trash can.

Selena: Fair.

Taylor: God, I just hate her so much. Is it bad that I just hate when anything good happens to her, and want her to live a slow, painful life, where she tragically falls out of fame, and completes her descent into a washed up celebrity, and possibly even a homeless person?

Selena: I mean, you’re not winning a peace prize or anything for that take.

Taylor: She just makes me SO mad that it literally makes me mad to know that anyone out there even likes her. I don’t understand how anyone could possibly see any good in her.

Selena: I mean, I get that. I hate her too, and I think it’s normal. Who do you hate more, Katy or Kanye? OMG or Kim! K is an evil letter!

Taylor: Honestly, I think Katy. It’s just been years of hatred festering. And I know that Kanye embarrassed me, but like, he just kind of vilified himself in doing so. People feel bad for me with that whole thing, and I don’t hate milking that. But Katy is just pure evil and people don’t even know.

Selena: True, and Kanye’s just a moron.

Taylor: And Kim’s just a whore.

Selena: A smart whore. But a whore.

Taylor: God, ilysm. I’m so lucky to have someone in my life who hates all the same people I hate.

Selena: Wouldn’t have it any other way.

Last week: A Text Conversation Between Blue Ivy And North West Following Beyoncé’s Pregnancy Announcement

Image via Tinseltown | Shutterstock

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at

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