Hey, man. The reason I’m not texting back in our group chat is because I’m writing this. I don’t think I get to tell you how much I appreciate the opportunity to be the third wheel that is mandatory in every great relationship.
First off, I need to get something off my chest. I am sorry that I wasn’t the most pleasant when you two first got together. I just assumed you’d only be around for a few weeks and get tired of my best friend like all the rest of them have (sorry, but you know it’s true). Whenever she got dumped, it would be just as emotionally taxing on me as it was on her. I never want to see her get hurt, and my original assumption of your intentions was false. I also appreciate that you didn’t write me off as a total bitch.
When you two started dating officially, I think I was more excited than anyone. I was perplexed when you two didn’t immediately make it Facebook official. How the hell was she going to get the kudos she deserved for getting a college guy to actually commit? So instead, being the loud friend that I am, I tweeted and posted a picture of you two to Instagram with the caption, “OFFICIAL!!!!!!” You both begged me to take it down because you said it was embarrassing, but I know you secretly liked it on the inside. What you didn’t notice was that I was creepily standing in the back of the photo. You two look undeniably cute but I got all the laughs. Classic third wheel move by me.
Thank you for embracing the fact that if you’re with her, you’re with me. I know any time your fraternity has a date function I can assume that I’m going, because if one of your friends doesn’t take me, you’ll obviously have two dates. I also can count on you two to bring me any leftovers from the nice dates you go on. Thank you for not getting annoyed that I tag along every time you have plans to go to the mall, the movies, or that Maroon 5 concert during which you did not protest when we made you take one hundred pictures until we felt Adam Levine was adequately in the background.
Thank you for always buying three drinks at the bar instead of just two, then dealing with Drunk 1 and Drunk 2 and making sure we both make it home safely. I appreciate you including me in your late night (drunk) pizza orders, obviously. Nights when I don’t make it home, you two are the first to ask if I need a ride and there is no judgment (or Snapchat story) when I get into the car wearing men’s slippers, my dress, a shack shirt, and I have my heels in hand. Also, thank you for always inviting me to brunch and listening to my stories from the night before. I truly appreciate your wise words: “it’s not that bad,” “guys don’t think that way,” “it’s college,” “you’re definitely not a slut,” “it could be worse,” and “no one will find out.”
Thank you for analyzing every male interaction I’ve ever had and being my in-house expert on the male brain. I have saved hours from asking my equally clueless friends and I appreciate that you haven’t thrown my phone out the window yet. Even though, without fail, your advice is the same every time: “You’re looking way too far into everything, and if he wasn’t into you, he wouldn’t be texting you.” Without you, I would have never known that when the boy I liked called me “genuine,” it was a complete red flag because that’s what you would say to your sister and not someone you wanted to have sex with. You know better than to sugarcoat things and it is surprisingly refreshing.
Thanks for not getting annoyed when my best friend and I talk about stories from our past, excluding you from our inside jokes. It takes a real man to sit through a six-hour marathon of romantic comedies, and we appreciate that you don’t get mad that we never let you pick the next movie.
Thanks for not openly admitting that it’s you who really feels like the third wheel most of the time.
Lots of love,
Your Girlfriend’s Best Friend.