I think we can all agree that a bodycon can be your best friend or your worst enemy. While it does have the capability to make you feel like a waspy version of Beyoncé, it can also make you regret eating that sliver of chocolate cake at Teddy Archer’s birthday party when you were in the third grade. There’s really no in-between. The thing about the bodycon is that no matter what school you go to, there’s always going to be an unspoken competition among girls to see who rocks it the best. This attention-seeking death match is extremely particular in its nature, so it’s essential you follow my tricks of the trade to ensure that the hypothetical odds fall in your favor.
A Week Before Wearing Your Bodycon
Since putting on a pair of Spanx is the greatest form of self-cockblocking known to womankind, it is imperative that you attend to a strict fitness regimen starting about a week before you plan to wear your bodycon. Workout wise, you must spend at least three hours on the elliptical and two hours on the treadmill everyday–the goal here is to sweat out enough water to supply an African village for a month. Directly after the cardio sesh, rotate between doing squats, bridge poses, and the Nike 8-minute ab exercises until you feel that the only cure for the pain would be a morphine drip (this means you’re doing it right, obviously).
Half A Week Before Wearing Your Bodycon
When you’re half a week away from wearing your bodycon, you must only consume food eaten by rabbits. This includes–and is limited to–lettuce and carrots. This diet is perfect for every type of person because not only is it vegetarian, but it’s gluten-free and vegan as well. The keyword here, ladies, is adherence, so in order to not sacrifice your demanding social schedule while on this diet, I highly recommend watching “True Life: I’m a Drunkorexic” for inspiration.
The Day Before Wearing Your Bodycon
The day before you plan on wearing your bodycon is critical. You must take at least three laxatives and supplement them with three gallons of water spiked with Miralax. This is non-negotiable, as it ensures your body will literally give itself an at-home colonic. If you wake up the next day with some gas, don’t panic–spending four or five hours in the downward dog should do the trick. The final hours before putting on your suffocation jacket are all about creating the illusion of thinness. The surefire way to do this is by focusing strictly on your collarbones and making their protrusion look borderline unhealthy. It doesn’t matter which brands of bronzer you decide to use–the goal here is to make your collarbones look so defined that people could literally take shots out of them during the pregame.
Like giving a great beej, rocking the bodycon is an art. Even though it takes a lot of preparation, the compliments you’ll receive will be worth the pain and suffering. And since every smart woman knows never to reveal her secrets, if anyone asks how you did it, all you do is put on your most sympathetic bitch face and say, “I just have a really high metabolism.”