Hey little guy,
I don’t have nearly enough time to impart all of the wisdom I’ve learned onto you, but I’m going to try my best. It’s your job to continue this chapter’s fabulous legacy, and you better not screw it up (no pressure). This sorority has taught me a lot, so I plan on passing down more than old t-shirts, especially since some of them are hideous. So here’s how to have the best four years ever, while blacking out, making out, and avoiding standards at all costs.
If you want to maximize the amount of fun you’re going to have at any sorority party, but risk management is on red alert, the answer isn’t “tone it down,” it’s “don’t get caught.” I know it’s easier said than done, but here are some suggestions to mull over while you’re still sober. If you’re going to partake in use of an illicit substance, do so in the bathroom. If you plan on chugging the delicious flask of Diesel your dream date brought on the bus, use his jacket as a shield. If you want to get freaky on the dance floor, be my guest, but get down away from the prying eyes of the president, because she just doesn’t think it’s as romantic as you do. Formals are the best time to get sloppy, just (kind of) contain it. You don’t want to be the number one risk that needs managing. You want to be the girl who is always having the best time, without falling over and vomiting on her unsuspecting date.
Don’t be the girl who’s mysteriously MIA all semester and magically appears for a mixer. If you miss out on bonding, you’re missing the point. Get to know these girls, because they’ll be your best friends. They won’t judge when they save you from a particularly poorly chosen gentleman caller. They’ll let you crash on their floor for days if your roommate gets weird. They’ll go crazy with you at formal, and they’ll be there for you with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and a bottle of vodka if someone hurts you, possibly a knife, depending on their level of dedication. Just kidding. These girls will have your back in a way you can’t imagine. They will be your sisters, in the cheesiest but truest sense of the word, and you will appreciate them more than you know.
I’m not saying you have to be run for president, especially if that involves being sober, but hold a position. Yes, it will drive you up the wall. You don’t realize how many hours a person can spend contemplating the perfect ribbon color until you’re recruitment chair. You’ll never know how many sisters have had sex in the chapter room until you sit on that couch for hours during officer meetings, and you’ll never understand how incredible each pledge is unless you’re new member chair. These positions may drive you to drink (not like you weren’t already going to do so), but you’ll make even better friends by getting involved. You’ll make a difference, and four years from now you’ll know this house is even better because of you.
Live It Up
It’s a given, since you are in this sorority, but just a quick reminder. Go to every mixer, even if you’re not in love with the boys. Don’t bail on Thursday nights if you have a paper, because no one wishes they went out less. Go to the fraternity formals that matter. You’ll know. If someone breaks your heart, find someone new and improved. If someone stabs you in the back, get revenge and get over it. You can always come to me for advice, because anything you’re about to experience, I’ve probably already gone through.
So, if you find yourself in a particularly sticky situation, call me. If you need a ride home from a terrible hookup, let me know. If you’re searching for the perfect fake, I’m your girl. If you just want to craft, bake, and watch ridiculous reality TV, I’ll be there, too. I’ll always look out for you, because my perfect sorority chose you, which means you’re wonderful. Good luck, and let me know if you ever need me to come to your dorm room with a bottle of vodka, because girl, I am so there.