A few weeks ago, the self-proclaimed “Shallowest Man In Amsterdam” attacked Dutch sorority girls, and as we learned the Dutch are just like us! Now, our Amsterdam blogger is back, but this time, he’s after fraternities.
2. Grasp, grab and scrape like a gold digger
The next step to success in Dutch fraternities is to borrow as much money from the Dutch Government as they’ll allow you to get away with. Do this even if your daddy is filthy rich. You might be turned down, but follow the example of Dutch women when dating in Amsterdam, if you don’t ask you won’t get. The taxpayer will get a good return on their investment, as you’ll support the local economy by spending lots of money at bars such as Het Paardje or the Pilsvogel, thus keeping lots of bar staff in gainful employment.
Holy shit. Have I fallen asleep and woken up in the Twilight Zone. I’m sorry, Shallow Man. This truly sounds horrible. But here in America, our fraternity men are rich and we make fun of poors. I’m not even quite sure how someone with money would be allowed to live off the government. Up is down. Right is left. This is what happens when you legalize marijuana, people. (Just kidding. Toke up.)
3. Resistance is futile, succomb to the hive mind
Prior to joining a fraternity, you need to be prepared to leave your personality and all of your old friends behind. For a successful first year in a fraternity, you need to become obedient, obsequious, passive, sycophantic, and compliant. In short, no butts, you’d better learn how to kiss butt. But even that isn’t enough. The life of a first year fraternity member is complex and multilayered. To succeed in a Dutch fraternity you also need to decide which of the four approved fraternity types that you wish to be.
Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. This is something I can relate to. Your frat guys have to completely conform, forget about their GDI friends, and completely do whatever the actives say during their first year of membership. This makes sense. We do this too.
4. Choose one of approved personality types of Dutch fraternities
In 1814, Floris de Eikel, developed the template for the four personalities that are destined to succeed in Dutch fraternities. Two hundred years later, these are still required if you wish to be admired and respected by your ‘vriendjes’.
I don’t understand your history lesson, because there were too many words I couldn’t pronounce, but I love characterizing my men and putting them into little sub-divisions, so this should be fun.
1. The Drinker
This might appear to be self-explanatory, but it’s not as simple as it sounds. To fit Meneer de Eikels template, you need to be able to drink a minimum of five beers every time you’re out drinking with your fraternity bro’s. To be a real hero in this department, you need to be be able to drink till you throw up, and then return to the bar and continue drinking. If you can be photographed kissing a girl not long after vomiting, your credibility will rise faster than a married man sprinting out of a red light district window after he’s done the dirty deed.
The great thing about being ‘the drinker’ is that you can get away with just about anything, as your vriendjes will just assume that the alcohol made you do it. So if you feel like making a pass at your best friends girlfriend, or throwing up all over the stairs of the student home, go ahead, you’re the drinker.
Mmhmm. Mmhmm. You started off strong with the title here, Shallow Man, but you lost me when you mentioned “five beers” as if that was a lot. I agree, that the puke and rally is a necessary aspect of fraternity life, and while I don’t like the idea of the puke and kiss, I’m sure it happens more than any of us would like to admit. But five beers? Is beer made out of vodka where you’re from? Because that’s the only way any of this makes sense.
2. The Lover
You’ve admitted to being shy. Well just like falling of the former horse in your town, and then getting back on, being successful with women is pretty similar. The lover, is a hero in the fraternity. His ‘bro’s’ keep a tally of his exploits, awarding points from 1-100 in the following categories:
– Kissing
– Having a woman stay over for a night proof that sex has taken place is usually required and verified. (Ladies make sure he flushes the condom down the toilet after sex, as it will make it more difficult for him to provide evidence to his bro’s).
– One night stand (highest number of points)
– Steady girlfriend (minus points)
– Steady girlfriend from back home (highest number of minus points)How to become ‘the lover’ in a fraternity
….
– Pretend to be interested in hockey or whatever other awful pastime your target might have
– Make it clear to her that you’d really like to be friends and that you’re a nice guy
– Always carry a spare packet of cigarettes with you which you can share with her
– Don’t whatever you do tell her about the girl you’ve been dating since the age of 12 back in the village (who might also be your sister)
– Don’t whatever you do date a knor (kent onze regels niet)/doesn’t know our rules
– Pretend to love Goede Tijden Slechte Tijden
– To enhance your status, only date sorority girls, preferably ones that genuinely originate – from Het Gooi or Wassenaar or even better, bed an expat student, that’s worth even more points and credibility, especially if you tell your bro’s that sex with an expat is better than with a Dutch girl. (No comment).
Those Dutch girls run a tight ship over there. You boys have to pretend to be NICE to get them to sleep with you? Jesus. Here, the worse of a human being you are, the more we like you. Don’t text me until 2 a.m.? I’m there. Hit on another girl in front of me all night? I’m feeling wet already. Call me the wrong name in bed? Oh, my God. I’m yours.
3. The Bro
Once you’re in the fraternity, you’ll only have vriendjes, and bro’s. If you’d like to be ‘the bro’ you’ll need to be funny, always cracking jokes. The Bro is the guy that’s always happy to settle the bar bill. (The Government loan will come in handy here) make hilarious jokes at the expense of other bro’s, and in general be what is known as the “chille gast”. In short a bit of a passive aggressive arse kisser, which will be great training if you go on to work for one of the big four accounting firms or for one of the Dutch banks.
I’m confused, because I thought “frat guy” and “bro” were interchangeable. Silly me.
4. The one with the richest father
If your father has made lots of money evicting indigenous people from their villages in countries not as good as Holland. Or if he’s made a fortune producing reality TV for the almost braindead, then perhaps you qualify for this role. If you do, you need to make sure that you constantly slip in references to your papa at every opportunity. For example, “yes this is a great pizza, it reminds me of the time that my daddy was so angry with the service at an Italian place, that he bought the restaurant just so he could fire the staff, you should have seen their faces when he fired them.”
Being the one with the rich father is also very handy for convincing ‘emancipated’ Dutch sorority girls, to leave their Uggs outside your bedroom door, with promises of an invitation to your parents holiday home in the south of France.
Wow. “My dad owns a dealership” is universal, huh. Ladies, if you ever visit The Netherlands, “the one with the richest father” is still the one you marry. Money is the same in every language.
5. Be assimilated
Regardless of which of the four approved types you decide to be, you must also do the following:
1. Never, ever, go anywhere without your bro’s, it’s just not done. If you’re in the Kleine Cooldown Cafe, and want to go to the toilet, take a bro with you. If you’re on a first date, have your bro’s secretly sat in the same bar, and if they send you text messages that they don’t like the way she looks, get the hell out of there!
2. Never go the gym alone!
3. Greet your fellow fraternity members with “hee klootzak!” and either with “Mijne Heeren” or “Schoften” in the plural.
4. Respect the fraternity hierarchy, ouderejaars hebben altijd gelijk/older students are always right
5. Remember the charming motto of “Bro’s before hoes.” Your vriendjes must always come first, no matter what
6. Always remember to wear a jacket, shirt and tie when at the fraternity club house. (This is where Dutch men learn to wear brown shoes and jeans with a jacket, shirt and tie)
7. Never forget to share all details of any sexual conquests with your bro’s in as much detail as possible, or lie if you can get away with it
You know, Shallow Man, it seems like we’re not so different after all. While I don’t think our men need to go to the bathroom forever, it seems like we agree that everyone needs to be so well-dressed it leaves a bad taste in everyone else’s moths, and that drinking and fucking are key. .
[via Amsterdam Shallow Man]
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at [email protected]
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