It always starts out so innocently, doesn’t it?
Level One: 1-2 Glasses Of Wine
This level is reserved for the sophisticated lady. After a glass or two of the holy water, you’re feelin’ good. Your glass and the evening are filled with possibilities. You’re either crafting, watching a movie, getting ready for a night out, or having an intelligent and stimulating conversation. You say words like, “indeed,” “indubitably,” and “but of course.” You have no hesitations in discussing your (somewhat optimistic and out of reach) goals and accomplishments. You feel the need to sip from your glass with your pinky sticking out, and you always tell the story about how you won the science fair in fifth grade (well, you got fourth runner up, but whatever).
Level Two: 3-5 Glasses Of Wine
This level is reserved for the loud, rambunctious woman. After an average of four glasses of wine, the sophisticated woman we were drinking with starts to loosen up. You have forgotten the chevron canvas you had been painting for your little, and instead are Facebook stalking people and saying mean things about friends to the friends you are currently with. This level includes discussion of who looked good or bad after summer break, why that bitch is dating your ex, and who the girl is who’s tagged in a picture with the guy you like. Loud laughter is the norm and topic-jumping is not only accepted, but encouraged. Music (most likely something from the ’90s or “High School Musical”) will be played at some point, and a synchronized dance number is not uncommon.
*Writer’s note: In a standard bottle of wine, this is usually where the alcohol ends. But, because you are money-conscious and not exactly a lightweight, you always buy the large bottle (if not the giant jug) because the rumors are true–bigger is better.
Level Three: 5-7 Glasses Of Wine
This level is reserved for the seductively out of control sex goddess. This is the key level for men and women alike. The gentlemen like it because they tend to reap the benefits from it, and the ladies like it because they feel like an unstoppable sex machine and would consider doing nasty things in a bar bathroom. This level is not only reserved for actual intercourse, but for all topics concerning sex. In this phase, text messages are sent out with a few too many Ys (example: “heyyyy”). Discussion and rankings of best sexual partners, male genitalia, and celebrities that you would cheat on your boyfriend with are the staple of this phase. In most societies, this is the key level when it comes to drinking. Warning: it is VERY hard to achieve this level. You must tread with caution, as too little will make you prudish, while too much will take you into dark, dangerous territory. All of us here at TSM are rooting for you and your vagina.
Level Four: 7-9 Glasses Of Wine
This level is reserved for the mean, snarky bitch. Once this phase has been reached, the damage is done. The happy, fun side of drinking has turned into something upsetting and mean. This is the phase where a normally civil woman will lash out at comments, take everything the wrong way and get excessively angry if left out of a game or told to stop drinking. She no longer wants to have sex and will most likely say mean things to her boy du jour, which will require extensive damage control in the morning after she throws up and claims she “can’t even.” This is the level you want to steer clear of, or, if all else fails, try to pass through quickly and with as little damage as possible.
Level Five: 10+ Glasses Of Wine
This level is reserved for the girl who has a lot of feelings. This, the fifth and final level of wine drinking, can only be reached by drinking deep, deep down into the bottle. Despite trying, even the best and most experienced of drinkers have stumbled into the thrones of level five, even if we like to pretend we didn’t, or we “totally don’t even remember what happened last night.” At this level, being told that you can’t have a straw, that no, we aren’t stopping for French fries, and Subaru commercials will make you sob uncontrollably. You tend to confess your love for friends, boys, and inanimate objects at level five, all while seeming really upset about it. Do us all a favor and try your absolute hardest to avoid getting to this point and being “that girl.” If you do stumble into this territory, I have three pieces of advice: hydrate, ibuprofen, and practice saying, “oh, my goodness, that’s so embarrassing! I don’t remember a thing” in the mirror a few times. You’ll never realize just how often that line will come in handy. Not that I know from experience though, because, like, I’ve never been at level five. I don’t think…