Alarmingly Accurate Nail Polish Names You Wish Existed

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We have a theory that nail polish colors are really just emojis for your hands. Seriously. You have your go-to for when you’re feeling flirty, like the winky face. You have your favorite for when you’re all business, like the bar graph. You have your staple for basically every day, like the knife and the wine glass. (What, you guys don’t use those two in every text you send?) Just like there are emojis for every mood, there are also nail polish colors for every mood. Who hasn’t slicked on a bright pink “Bottle Service” for a night out, or headed to the salon for a sophisticated coat of “Ballet Slippers” for an interview?

Sadly, sometimes the colors available in the salon don’t always match up with the way we feel. So, because of that, we came up with some more realistic colors that reflect that rage-filled, fire-knife-pizza-cat combos that we send to each other all too often.

Color: Blackish purple
When To Wear It: Whenever the fuck you want. Duh.

Name: Rosé All Day
Color: Light, sparkly pink
When To Wear It: When your Saturday goes from boozy brunch to rooftop wine to who is this dude in my bed?

Name: Hangover Helper
Color: Gray
When To Wear It: When you seriously can’t cope with anyone, anything, or any real color.

Name: Get Rich Or Diet Tryin’
Color: Mint green
When To Wear It: Day three of a juice cleanse when you’re borderline hallucinating from hunger but looking super thin.

Name: All Guys On Me
Color: Hot pink
When To Wear It: While doing shots with some loser’s bachelor party that you decided to crash at the bar after some stupid Tinder date stood you up.

Name: Whiskey Business
Color: Gold
When To Wear It: When you’re drunk at work after taking too many pulls from the bottle of whiskey you keep hidden in a file drawer, but then you amazingly pull it together for that presentation you forgot about.

Name: Fuschia Have Known
Color: Fuschia
When To Wear It: While consoling your friend whose idiotic boyfriend cheated on her (again) as you resist the urge to say, “I told you so.”

Name: I’m So Happy For Blue
Color: Navy
When To Wear It: To a bridal shower where you spend the day pretending to be happy for your friend who is marrying an investment banker and you have to pretend not to be obviously jealous of her “never working and just buying lots of Chloe purses” life.

Name: Crazy In Mauve
Color: Mauve
When To Wear It: While bowing down to Queen Bey during an epic karaoke performance.

Name: Thin Blue Line
Color: Soft blue
When To Wear It: While waiting in line for Plan B at the drugstore.

Name: Text Him Black
Color: Glossy black
When To Wear It: When you’ve been avoiding the guy you’re sleeping with because you met a Zac Efron lookalike at Thirsty Thursday and want to focus on planning your inevitable wedding to him instead.

Name: I Said Yes!
Color: Nude
When To Wear It: For the inevitable Facebook and Instagram pictures of your hand with a giant fucking diamond on it to make everyone jealous (bonus points if it’s just a diamond ring you bought for yourself).

Name: I Cantaloupe Even
Color: Light orangey-pink
When To Wear It: When you’re just, like, done.

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Alyssa and Alison

Alyssa Wolff and Alison Leiby are stand-up comics and writers. Follow them at AlyssaWolff and AlisonLeiby.

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