In case you missed this week’s Bachelorette, Amy Schumer made a guest appearance as part of a stand-up comedy challenge and completely stole the show, because, duh, she’s Amy Schumer. ABC senior vice president Robert Mills loved Amy so much that he invited her to be the next Bachelorette in front of the whole world on Twitter.
— Robert Mills (@Millsy11374) May 26, 2015
Amy Schumer on The Bachelorette would be every white woman’s dream come true, but in all honesty, I think it would be Amy Schumer’s personal nightmare. The Bachelorette is everything Amy Schumer loves to make fun of. She wouldn’t take it seriously. That’s why The Bachelorette is so funny to me, because the people on the show think they’re really going to find love and get married to one of the twelve strangers ABC network exec’s picked out because they’re somewhat attractive and could take ten weeks off of work. Amy would completely, hilariously humiliate and break every single guy on the show until they left. Wait. That actually sounds like something I would enjoy watching.
Robert Mills was completely serious about his offer, and in a tweet responding to a fan, he said the show would only work “if it’s done completely straight.” Booooring. Amy Schumer replied to his offer with the perfect noncommittal response:
— Amy Schumer (@amyschumer) May 26, 2015
As hilarious as I think Amy Schumer on The Bachelorette would be, I’m gonna call it and say she isn’t going to do it. Not because she wouldn’t enjoy it, but because I don’t think ABC would let her do it her way. If Amy can’t be her hilarious, self-deprecating, single-girl-in-a-man’s-world self, then she won’t do it. Her show Inside Amy Schumer on Comedy Central is just that, her show, and earning the best reviews of its run because of its genius comedic honesty and because Amy calls the shots. The Bachelorette is everything Amy mocks on her show. In case you didn’t know, The Bachelorette is fake. There, I said it. The bachelorette is not in charge, the network is. Yes, she might choose which guy gets a rose, but the rest of it is whatever ABC thinks would get ratings. Amy would not be cool with that, which is why while the offer from Robert Mills was hilarious, Amy won’t take him up on it.
Amy will continue on being the funny, single girl we all wish we could be, and she’ll look like a damn train wreck doing it and we’ll love her even more for it..