Pretty Little Liars has made its triumphant return, which means that we can finally experience the intrigue, drama, and romance that we’re used to during the year. Does your summer seem boring? It’s suddenly perfect when you realize that while you may not be getting text messages from your ideal gentleman caller, you’re not getting murderous threats from A. Summer was meant for guilty pleasures, because you want something equal parts mindless and brilliant to enjoy, which is where PLL comes in. However, I’m a little tired of the girls and their shenanigans, and I have five major issues I want to take up with them upon their return.
1. Why Don’t They Jump A?
Honestly, at this point I can’t even with these little liars. A black veil is a lame hiding device, because no one rocks the equivalent of a beekeeper’s suit unless they’ve had a horrible skin peel and the girls are too young for that kind of inevitable enhancement. The liars should just pull it off and see who they reveal. It’s not Mona, because she joined their team. The liars know to keep their friends close, and their frenemies closer, so they can dig up dirt and attack at any minute. It might be Melissa Hastings, because girlfriend could never keep her crazy under control. and there’s always the M.I.A. Lucas. He is slim enough to slip into A’s red coat. Maybe it’s the always cryptic Jenna. I’ve never trusted faux blind girls who bone their almost-brothers. Besides, she’s the kind of lipstick lesbian who only comes out for spring break, so you know anything is possible. Like everything in Rosewood, the possibilities are seemingly endless. My other suspects include, but are not limited to, CeCe Drake (attention whores are dangerous), Toby (never fully trust a boy who burned you), and of course, the elusive Ali, who may or may not have risen from the grave to raise hell.
2. Did Anyone Actually Care About Detective Wilden?
We return to the scene of the crime(s), where per usual people are getting murdered amid personal drama galore. The opening begins with a dead pig, which is as anticlimactic as humanly possible. It’s like when you go up to a guy’s room and he doesn’t actually have a fish tank. Disappointing. We’ve been anxiously waiting all summer to see a dead body, and this piglet will not satisfy our bloodthirst. Luckily, creepy Detective Wilden is soon found dead, so summer’s already looking up. If someone isn’t getting murdered, something’s wrong — blackmail isn’t as exciting as body bags. Wilden is easy enough to kill off, anyway. Unless he was Ali’s baby daddy, he wasn’t important, and seeing as that girl was shacking with the whole town, it could have been anyone (including Mr. Montgomery).
3. Why Does Toby Have His Shirt On?
As soon as the liars discover the news of Wilden’s death, Toby is back to rocking his male butterface, a phenomenon I’m desperately trying to come up with the perfect term for. He’s wearing his shirt during the entire episode, which is far too often. Sorry, Spencer, but your boy toy’s face is looking rough these days, and his track jacket is not helping the situation. While I’m critiquing outfit choices, Spence, I know you’re going for a Harriet the Spy look, but you look more butch than Emily at a biker rally in your new raincoat. This is also the second time Toby has done the beyond creepy cuddle staredown, and it never ends well. Like all good sorority girls, Spencer needs to realize that douchebags are not to be trusted. After being hoodwinked by half the town, she should be a little more jaded. Safety is not guaranteed.
4. Why Is Aria Still Into Ezra?
Is it just me or is Ezra looking like more of a geed than ever before? At first it was sexy and scandalous that Aria was hooking up with her superior, but now it’s just sad. She doesn’t need to get herself tangled up in this baby momma drama. I was really rooting for her during this episode because she wasn’t wearing any feathers or teeth as accessories. She’s gotten her look together, now she just needs to work on her love life. Obviously, we’ve all been a little too attached to that one bad news boy, but he usually doesn’t have a child. Next.
5. Why Do The Girls Dress Like They’re Going to Different Parties?
Sorority girls learn to adopt a uniform. You dress just like your girls over time, because it makes sense. The liars all rock their own personal disasters, which can be good and bad. You’ve got to love their funeral attire. Hanna looks Halloween slutty. Emily epitomizes the boring girl with a beautiful face — she brings something to the table as long as she’s not talking about her hobbies. Spencer’s in pin attire, complete with the stick up her ass, and Aria has a thing or two to learn from Coco Chanel, namely, she needs to ditch at least half of her accessories. The episode ends with the introduction of the new and improved Detective Wilden, who’s equal parts sexy and slimy. He’ll fit right in, because that’s just how the liars like ’em. Just what we need, the introduction of another sleazy dude on a show crawling with them. Then again, maybe Pretty Little Liars is more like our lives than we think.
- Image via Warner Brothers Television