Ever wish you could make a living just by filming your Target excursions? Well, Jessica Alba has done just that. In a live video for The Honest Company, the actress and ~lifestyle expert~ literally films her back to school shopping trip for her two daughters, Honor and Haven. The result is just as painful as you would expect: half relatable, and half utterly unbearable to watch. Without further ado, here is a breakdown and analysis of Jessica Alba’s shopping methods.
Things get crazy right off the bat. In an incredibly ambitious power move, Alba sprays her cart with lavender scented disinfectant, which she just happens to have on hand. I’m impressed. She clearly came prepared, so she gets points for that. After her quick clean, Alba then wanders around a bit, only to decide that she needs a refreshment. In true Hollywood style, she goes straight for the coconut water. But it gets better. She proclaims that she needs “regular water,” only to pick a bottle of highly fortified and overpriced Smartwater. While I admire her commitment to health, I need to deduct points for her high maintenance drinks and overall basicness.
After a quick warm-up, Jessica cuts straight to the chase. She’s only there for a few things, and clothes for her two daughters are on the top of the priority list. Points for her focus. She peruses the aisles, and she pretty much tells us that one of her daughters wear only pink, and the other wears workout clothes and flannels exclusively. So basically, she is raising two sorority girls. Major points for instilling flawless style into her daughters. She also picked up a shirt she dropped instead of nervously glancing around and walking away like the rest of us would, giving her an extra bonus point.
Alba fails miserably here. As the video progress, I could feel myself rapidly losing brain cells as she careens through the aisles of Target, with no plan whatsoever. And that, my friends, is how you get trapped in the caverns of consumerism. Without a plan, she finds herself jumping from clothes to markers to detergent, forcing her to cross the store and face temptation from things she doesn’t need, like baby wipes. For her nonexistent baby. She even picks up liquid chalk markers, admitting she has no idea what they are, and places them in her cart anyways. Just put them back, Jess. But because I have also fallen victim to this trap, I feel like I should be lenient in scoring.
First rule of Target: if you absolutely MUST get something, only get one. You don’t need two nail polishes, two packs of Oreos, or two pairs of bronze book-ends for your imaginary library. But yet again, Alba decides to break the cardinal rule of superstore shopping. She picks up multiples of everything: shampoos, toilet paper, hand sanitizers, soaps, and even two new duvet covers. Don’t worry though, because the duvets were on an amazing sale and she just had to get two. I hope for her sake that she brought her mom van, because her stuff is sure as hell not fitting in anything else. She does get points for being prepared, though, because at least she’ll never run out of blankets and shampoo.
Commentary and Overall Score
Just when I thought my brain cells were completely gone, I was dragged back to reality by the accurate musings of Jessica Alba. She constantly whispers to herself, casts serious side eye to the bitches who aren’t moving their cart, and openly tries rationalizing her purchases. And let’s not forget when she described her child’s “waterfall” of vomit. Same, girl, same. Except mine had more to do with tequila than having non-organic baby food. Alba does, however, get bonus points for avoiding the two sections I hold near and dear to my heart: makeup and alcohol.
And for that, I give her a soft 7/10..
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