Girls’ Night. Those two words in that order will perk up the ears of any sorority girl, usually followed by an “Oh my god yaaaaaaas!” I don’t know how we have convinced ourselves that those are the best nights ever, because this is how it usually goes:
- 7:41 PM: Start curling hair.
- 8:14 PM: “Is it too early to start drinking?”
- 8:17 PM: “Yeah, I’m going to start drinking now.” *pours glass of wine*
- 8:41 PM: Finish curling hair.
- 8:45 PM: Paint face white.
- 8:58 PM:Powder face until tan.
- 9:02 PM: Put all the black shit you can find on your eyes.
- 9:05 PM: Take shot.
- 9:07 PM: Decide lipstick would look good with your outfit.
- 9:10: Hate lipstick.
- 9:11: Take shot.
- 9:13 PM: Take lipstick off.
- 9:14 PM: Take all your makeup off.
- 9:15 PM: Redo makeup.
- 9:27 PM: Finally get eyeliner even.
- 9:31 PM: Scroll through Instagram.
- 9:33 PM: “Ew she looks so good in this picture, I refuse to like it.”
- 9:45 PM: Take shot.
- 9:49 PM: Put alcohol into a water bottle.
- 10:15 PM: Get in Uber to go to party.
- 10:30 PM: Stand in sweaty circle with only your friends while simultaneously scanning the edge of the room for fuckable guys and pretending like your feet aren’t absolutely killing you.
- 11:00 PM: Finish alcohol you brought, settle for Fratty Lite beer.
- 11:32 PM: Leave for bars.
- 11:43 PM: Arrive at bar.
- 11:44 PM: Find ugliest guy in bar. Make him buy you a drink.
- 11:52 PM: Hide in the bathroom until he forgets he bought you a drink.
- 12:07 AM: Your song comes on. Shriek and barrel your way to dance floor.
- 12:19 AM: Ugly guy remembers he bought you a drink and is right behind you. DO NOT LOOK BEHIND YOU.
- 12:20 AM: Look behind you.
- 12:20 AM: Start grinding on one of your girls.
- 12:27 AM: Coast is clear.
- 12:43 AM: Spot cute guy.
- 12:44 AM: Significantly glance at him.
- 12:53 AM: Significantly glance at him.
- 12:55 AM: Significantly glance at him.
- 12:56 AM: WE HAVE EYE CONTACT.
- 12:58 AM: Oh shit, he’s coming over. Act cool, act cool.
- 1:01 AM: Grind his dick off.
- 1:16 AM: Guy tries to take you home.
- 1:17 AM: *slap him* “THIS IS GIRLS’ NIGHT!!”
- 1:30 AM: Last call.
- 1:31 AM: Text ex-boyfriend who lives within walking distance of the bar. This one time won’t hurt.
- 1:33 AM: No answer. What a fucking idiot. Fuck him anyway.
- 1:47 AM: Stumble out of bar with your girls and to nearest pizza place.
- 1:48 AM: Call your roommate who stayed in.
- 1:49 AM: Leave voicemail professing your love for her, as well as random guy you met at bar.
- 1:52 AM: Scream incoherently with friends.
- 2:26 AM: Sober up enough to take your drunker friends home.
- 3:03 AM: Ex-boyfriend texts you back.
- 3:04 AM: Pass out mid-texting him about how much he fucked up your life but you will always love him.
Meanwhile, this is a guys’ night out:
- 8:14 PM: “Is it too early to start drinking?”
- 8:17 PM: “Yeah, I’m going to start drinking now.” *shotguns beer*
- 8:21 PM: Turn on the game.
- 8:31 PM: Get another beer.
- 8:47 PM: Get another beer.
- 9:22 PM: Get another beer.
- 9:39 PM: Get another beer.
- 9:57 PM: Change shirt.
- 9:58 PM: Run fingers through hair.
- 9:59 PM: Spray cologne.
- 10:07 PM: Go to pregame.
- 10:32 PM: Stand on the edge of the party and watch girls huddle in the center like penguins.
- 11:22 PM: Leave for bars.
- 12:09 AM: Get into bar.
- 12:30 AM: Wait for girls hiding from ugly guys to come out of the bathroom.
- 12:44 AM: “That bitch keeps looking at me.”
- 12:53 AM: “Seriously, it’s creeping me out.”
- 12:55 AM: “She’s kinda cute, I guess I’ll go over.”
- 1:01 AM: Oh shit she’s trying to grind my dick off of my body.
- 1:16 AM: “Hey, you wanna get out of here?”
- 1:17 AM: Act indignant after getting publicly denied.
- 1:30 AM: Last call.
- 1:33 AM: Answer drunk text from most recent fuckbuddy.
- 1:52 AM: Smoke a bowl.
- 2:07 AM: Have sex.
- 2:27 AM: Pass out.
So, who’s trying to have a guys night?.
Nice Move680
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