An Honest Timeline Of A Girls’ Night Vs. Guys’ Night

Girls night

Girls’ Night. Those two words in that order will perk up the ears of any sorority girl, usually followed by an “Oh my god yaaaaaaas!” I don’t know how we have convinced ourselves that those are the best nights ever, because this is how it usually goes:

  • 7:41 PM: Start curling hair.
  • 8:14 PM: “Is it too early to start drinking?”
  • 8:17 PM: “Yeah, I’m going to start drinking now.” *pours glass of wine*
  • 8:41 PM: Finish curling hair.
  • 8:45 PM: Paint face white.
  • 8:58 PM:Powder face until tan.
  • 9:02 PM: Put all the black shit you can find on your eyes.
  • 9:05 PM: Take shot.
  • 9:07 PM: Decide lipstick would look good with your outfit.
  • 9:10: Hate lipstick.
  • 9:11: Take shot.
  • 9:13 PM: Take lipstick off.
  • 9:14 PM: Take all your makeup off.
  • 9:15 PM: Redo makeup.
  • 9:27 PM: Finally get eyeliner even.
  • 9:31 PM: Scroll through Instagram.
  • 9:33 PM: “Ew she looks so good in this picture, I refuse to like it.”
  • 9:45 PM: Take shot.
  • 9:49 PM: Put alcohol into a water bottle.
  • 10:15 PM: Get in Uber to go to party.
  • 10:30 PM: Stand in sweaty circle with only your friends while simultaneously scanning the edge of the room for fuckable guys and pretending like your feet aren’t absolutely killing you.
  • 11:00 PM: Finish alcohol you brought, settle for Fratty Lite beer.
  • 11:32 PM: Leave for bars.
  • 11:43 PM: Arrive at bar.
  • 11:44 PM: Find ugliest guy in bar. Make him buy you a drink.
  • 11:52 PM: Hide in the bathroom until he forgets he bought you a drink.
  • 12:07 AM: Your song comes on. Shriek and barrel your way to dance floor.
  • 12:19 AM: Ugly guy remembers he bought you a drink and is right behind you. DO NOT LOOK BEHIND YOU.
  • 12:20 AM: Look behind you.
  • 12:20 AM: Start grinding on one of your girls.
  • 12:27 AM: Coast is clear.
  • 12:43 AM: Spot cute guy.
  • 12:44 AM: Significantly glance at him.
  • 12:53 AM: Significantly glance at him.
  • 12:55 AM: Significantly glance at him.
  • 12:58 AM: Oh shit, he’s coming over. Act cool, act cool.
  • 1:01 AM: Grind his dick off.
  • 1:16 AM: Guy tries to take you home.
  • 1:17 AM: *slap him* “THIS IS GIRLS’ NIGHT!!”
  • 1:30 AM: Last call.
  • 1:31 AM: Text ex-boyfriend who lives within walking distance of the bar. This one time won’t hurt.
  • 1:33 AM: No answer. What a fucking idiot. Fuck him anyway.
  • 1:47 AM: Stumble out of bar with your girls and to nearest pizza place.
  • 1:48 AM: Call your roommate who stayed in.
  • 1:49 AM: Leave voicemail professing your love for her, as well as random guy you met at bar.
  • 1:52 AM: Scream incoherently with friends.
  • 2:26 AM: Sober up enough to take your drunker friends home.
  • 3:03 AM: Ex-boyfriend texts you back.
  • 3:04 AM: Pass out mid-texting him about how much he fucked up your life but you will always love him.

Meanwhile, this is a guys’ night out:

  • 8:14 PM: “Is it too early to start drinking?”
  • 8:17 PM: “Yeah, I’m going to start drinking now.” *shotguns beer*
  • 8:21 PM: Turn on the game.
  • 8:31 PM: Get another beer.
  • 8:47 PM: Get another beer.
  • 9:22 PM: Get another beer.
  • 9:39 PM: Get another beer.
  • 9:57 PM: Change shirt.
  • 9:58 PM: Run fingers through hair.
  • 9:59 PM: Spray cologne.
  • 10:07 PM: Go to pregame.
  • 10:32 PM: Stand on the edge of the party and watch girls huddle in the center like penguins.
  • 11:22 PM: Leave for bars.
  • 12:09 AM: Get into bar.
  • 12:30 AM: Wait for girls hiding from ugly guys to come out of the bathroom.
  • 12:44 AM: “That bitch keeps looking at me.”
  • 12:53 AM: “Seriously, it’s creeping me out.”
  • 12:55 AM: “She’s kinda cute, I guess I’ll go over.”
  • 1:01 AM: Oh shit she’s trying to grind my dick off of my body.
  • 1:16 AM: “Hey, you wanna get out of here?”
  • 1:17 AM: Act indignant after getting publicly denied.
  • 1:30 AM: Last call.
  • 1:33 AM: Answer drunk text from most recent fuckbuddy.
  • 1:52 AM: Smoke a bowl.
  • 2:07 AM: Have sex.
  • 2:27 AM: Pass out.

So, who’s trying to have a guys night?

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Ali Hin

A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to [email protected] or by smoke signal.

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