If you’re sexually active, you should be getting tested regularly. That’s just common courtesy. There are some people who abide by the rule of “If you never get tested, you can’t have an STD,” and those people are idiots, and probably idiots with STDs. If you’re responsible enough to have sex, you should be responsible enough to get tested so you can continue having guilt-free sex whenever and with whoever you want. Regardless, getting tested is a nightmare. It makes you question every guy you’ve ever boned and it makes you question if sex is even worth it. This is a complete breakdown of every thought that goes through your mind when you decide to take the plunge and get tested.

The Day Before

1. When was the last time I got tested?
2. Six months? A year?
3. More importantly, how many guys have I been with since then?
4. Three? More than three?
5. Mark doesn’t look like he’s the kind of guy to have an STD. Jacob, however….
6. Fuck. I definitely need to go.
7. I wish this stupid thought had never entered my mind because now it’s all I can think about.
8. Can’t I just ignore this particular responsibility like I ignore all the other responsibilities in my life?
9. If I never have sex again, I don’t need to get tested.
10. I’ll just never have sex again. Problem solved.
11. But that hot guy in my Econ class is this close to asking me out.
12. I can’t pass up that opportunity. I have to get tested.
13. I’m probably fine.
14. But what if I’m not?
15. Okay, I’m definitely going. I can’t live like this forever.
16. I am a young, desirable single woman who is in charge of her own sexuality. Getting an STD test is no big deal, right?
17. Time to make a little visit to the student health center.

The Day Of The Tests

1. If I run into anyone I know here I think I’ll die.
2. “COURTNEY, OMG HI! Oh, I’m just here getting my yearly women’s health checkup! Pap smears are the worst, amiright?!”
3. I think she bought it.
4. This questionnaire is literally one hundred questions long. I’m gonna be here all day.
5. Some of these questions are ridiculous.
6. “Have you ever had sex for money or drugs?”
7. No, but I appreciate any guy who smokes me out after we bang.
8. “How many partners have you had this year? In your lifetime?”
9. I honestly don’t know and I don’t want to know. I’m just going to say 10-15. That seems like a safe number.
10. “Please check all types of sex that apply.”
11. Oral? Check. Vaginal? Check. Anal? Check….unfortunately.
12. IT WAS ONE TIME, OKAY?!
13. This nurse isn’t even the slightest bit fazed by my answers. I think she’s done this before.
14. Nothing makes you reconsider your life more than when you’re peeing in a plastic cup at the student health center.
15. Is it even humanly possible to not pee on your hand while doing this?
16. No orgasm is worth this. None.
17. And the guys I slept with that didn’t even give me an orgasm? They can go straight to hell.
18. Was the sex even that good?
19. Here comes the fun part: the blood test.
20. They keep filling up mutiple vials. I’m not going to have any blood left in my body if they keep going.
21. I’m never having sex again. I’m never having sex again. I’m never having sex again.

The Days You Spend Waiting For The Test Results To Come Back

1. I have all of them. Literally all of the STDs. That’s why they’re taking so long to get back to me, because they’re calling medical journals to document the first ever case of someone having every STD in the book.
2. I’m going to die.
3. Actually, I’d rather die than call all of my sexual partners and tell them the horrible news that they also might have every STD in the book.
4. My tombstone will read: “Herein lies the dirty, STD-riddled skank of [college campus]. RIP (rest in penises)”
5. *texts best friend* “If I die, spread my ashes in front of Hobby Lobby.”
6. They said they would call in two to three days. It’s barely been 24 hours and I don’t think I can make it another second without knowing.
7. I don’t even have any symptoms. I can’t have an STD without symptoms, right?
8. Well. According to Google, you can have an STD without having any symptoms.
9. Commencing freak out now.
10. Honestly, how long does it take to look at some blood under a microscope? NOT THAT LONG.
11. I think they make you wait two to three days because they want you to think about what you’ve done.
12. It’s working. I regret everything.
13. I think I’m going to become a nun.
14. Convents are just like sororities, right? No drinking or having sex in the house, lots of time bonding time with your sisters.
15. Plus I won’t need to worry about working out because I’ll be wearing those long robes all day.
16. I don’t need to shave ever again! YES!
17. This seems like a good plan, but I think after all I’ve done since entering college I would instantly catch on fire upon walking into a place of worship.
18. I’ll just become celibate instead. I’ll keep myself pure until I meet someone worthy of giving my most precious gift, like my future husband or that hot guy in my Econ class.
19. Every time my phone makes a sound my heart sinks into my vagina.
20. *text from Hot Econ Guy at 2:14 a.m.* “Heyyy want to come over? I need a little one-on-one study time ;)”
21. Of course I get a booty call while waiting for my test results to come back. Of fucking course.
22. “Sorry, I can’t come over tonight because I may or may not be dying of various STDs but maybe next time!!”
23. I didn’t actually say that, but it’s the truth.
24. I can’t believe they haven’t called yet. Maybe that means I don’t have anything after all.

The Day You Find Out

1. *missed call from clinic*
2. That’s it, my life is over.
3. They’re calling to tell me I have every STD imaginable and a few that haven’t even been discovered yet.
4. I’m dirty. I’m disgusting. I’m an Untouchable.
5. I guess it’s time to buy a vibrator because I’m never having sex with an actual human male ever again.
6. Oh God, I’m going to have to join one of those STD online dating websites to find a husband. That is going to be my life.
7. OMG. How can I be the next Giuliana Rancic if my vagina is actually rancid?
8. *Googles “famous people with STDs*
9. Well, I guess I should give them a call back. It’s now or never.
10. My entire life is flashing before my eyes and I think I might faint.
11. Am I hearing this correctly? I’m clean? I’m all good under my clitoral hood? I’m a virginal angel with a pristine vagine?
12. YESSSSSSS!!!!!
13. I want to scream “I’M STD FREE, BITCHES!” from the frat house rooftops!
14. I knew I didn’t have anything. I don’t know what I was freaking out about..

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Cristina Montemayor

Cristina is a Grandex Writer and Content Manager. She was an intern for over two years before she graduated a semester early to write about college full time, which makes absolutely no sense. She regretfully considers herself a Carrie, but is first and foremost a Rory. She tends to draw strong reactions from people. They are occasionally positive. You can find her in a bar as you're bending down to tie your shoes, drinking Dos XX and drunk crying to Elton John. Email her: cristina@grandex.co (not .com).

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