I recently had the pleasure of speaking with the soon to be nationally renowned succubus Babe Walker. For those who aren’t familiar with Babe, she’s a young, chic, spoiled rotten trust fund baby hailing from Beverly Hills. She’s also the proprietor of the wildly popular Twitter feed @whitegrlproblem and the author of a new, incredibly hilarious book/memoir “White Girl Problems,” which you can purchase here.
Bacon: First why don’t you tell us about the book?
Babe: I was in a really dark place called rehab and the people there weren’t getting my struggle with life. So I decided to take a handful of Adderall, drink a shit ton of diet coke, smoke 700 cigarettes and write my life story in 2 days. Basically the book is a collection of instances in my life that led to an epic breakdown at Barneys in Beverly Hills.
Bacon: What exactly is a “White Girl Problem?”
Babe: Die. This interview is over…just kidding, but you’re kind of a moron if you honestly don’t know at this point.
Bacon: Did you really pour all of this out in one Adderall fueled vent-fest?
Babe: Um, yeah. Rehab is so boring when you don’t have drugs, a memoir to write, or any guys to fuck/obsess over.
Bacon: Babe Walker is quite a name. Do you think it fits you?
Babe: It’s my name. So, yes. The only other name that could fit me is Gwyneth Paltrow, but that’s obviously taken.
Bacon: You use the word chic a lot in the book, for example, you went and bought yourself a fancy chic vagina. What does “chic” mean to Babe Walker?
Babe: “Chic” means chic. Google it.
Bacon: On a scale of “handful” to “demon hell spawn” how would you describe yourself?
Babe: Fashion, salads, smoothies, pets, love, anger, Miu Miu, low-maintenance, shopping, Barneys, facials, blowouts, manicures, Range Rovers, super low-maintenance, and driven. And by driven I mean I have a chauffeur.
Bacon: The one thing I kept wondering as I read your book is: “Does her vagina have teeth? Like, literally, does it devour dicks and souls alike?”
Babe: My vagina may have been a lot of things before the labiaplasty, but it was by no means cursed with dentata, you fucking psycho. My lady parts are literally the most amazing lady parts known to man. Imagine your favorite porn actress. OK, you got her in her your head? Now think about her vagina. It’s amazing, right? In fact, it’s probably one of the main reason why you love spending time alone with her. Her lady box is pristine and totally put together….NOW WAKE THE FUCK UP and understand that mine is like 10 times more awesome.
Bacon: But seriously, you’re a terrifying lay, right?
Babe: If by “terrifying” you mean “awe-inspiring” then yes. If you don’t believe me just ask Bruce Willis.
Bacon: The book is incredible, but obviously, as with anything anyone writes, there will be people who don’t like it and say negative things about you. What do you have to say to all those people who may be talking badly about you?
Babe: Judging me will only make you fat. And honestly–if you’re shit talking me–you clearly haven’t read my book because it’s hilarious and real. And soulful. And everything. Basically there are only two reactions that one can have in regards to me and my book: You either love it or you hate yourself for loving it. The end.
Bacon: How do you think you would have fit in with the sororities at your school? My guess is you’d either be queen bee or police would find you feasting on the remains of dozens of dead coeds.
Babe: I don’t do sororities. I can’t write in bubble letters and jungle juice is too caloric. Plus, I’m too into black dudes.
Bacon: What goes through your mind during an average Babe Walker freak out?
Babe: It’s usually a complete white-out, and then the midget from Willow materializes and he’s naked. This is a recurring issue that I’m getting through with my therapist.
Bacon: I think a lot of our fraternity readers would find you attractive, or at least an intriguing albeit frightening challenge. What do you look for in a potential man, whether it is for one night or a more long-term situation.
Babe: My ideal man has the soul of Ryan Gosling, the body of the werewolf from True Blood, the funny of Andy Samberg, and the face story of a young Jared Leto/Josh Hartnett/Lenoardo DiCaprio.
Bacon: Why is my penis so terrified of you?
Babe: Because it’s small.
(Ed. Note: That one hurt…)
Bacon: People say TRUE beauty is on the inside. Please respond.
Babe: Show me a picture of someone who’s said that, and I’ll point out all their wrinkles and ways they could enhance their overall glow.
Bacon: Food: Gross? Or the GROSSEST?
Babe: Depends. There’s nothing gross about air and shadows, and those are two food groups I love.
Bacon: What is an ideal night out for you?
Babe: See my answer to my ideal man and then it’s me fucking him after hours at the Barneys in Beverly Hills. I’m only wearing Tom Ford pumps, and the janitors are watching and instagramming the whole thing.
Bacon: Are there any words of wisdom, or philosophies you live your life by that you would like to share with our readers?
1. Never mix pills and liquor. Never.
2. Never eat anything.
3. Always make sure you send both Paris and Perez Hilton a Christmas gift. Trust me on this.
Bacon: Last question, if I come out to LA can we hangout? If we did what are my chances?
Babe: Can you send my assistant a full body/face pic? And also, chances of what? Buying me a Birkin? I’d say slim to none.
Aaaaaaand there goes my self esteem. Babe has that effect on people. Either way I’d like to thank Babe for taking the time to talk to TFM. Again, go buy her new book, “White Girl Problems,” and follow Babe on Twitter @whitegrlproblem.