An Open Letter to Amanda Bynes

Deeeeaaaaar Ashley. I mean Amanda,

There used to be a time when I was so jealous of you because you had your own show and you were hilarious. I was like, 10, and I’ve grown up and learned how the world works since then, which at least makes one of us.

Let’s face it: you are an under-accomplished child star. I mean, I think the highlight of your career came when you were 13. What have you done since then? Oh, right, play supporting roles in moderately successful movies. And you dyed your hair pink…Not cute. Lately, you’ve been trying to stage your big “comeback” by getting into a lot of legal trouble, driving with a suspended license, driving drunk, hitting paparazzo, and overall just acting like a disaster.

I know in your letter to me you were all “I’m a child star has-been who is desperate to be in the spotlight! Lately, I’ve been trying to make myself relevant and have resorted to doing all types of stupid stuff but I just desperately want to have a career in Hollywood again, Pearls! What should I do?!” So I’m going to help you. Are you ready? Listen closely.

LINDSAY LOHAN ALREADY HAPPENED. THERE WILL ONLY BE ONE LINDSAY LOHAN. EVEN WHEN LINDSAY LOHAN DIES NEXT WEEK OF AN OVERDOSE, THERE WILL STILL BE NO REPLACEMENT. Do you get it!? LiLo at least had a time when her career looked promising and even though she’s now a disaster, she will still have played a role in the greatest movie in cinematic history: Mean Girls. Lindsay Lohan made getting arrested and doing drugs her thing. Are you understanding this? Move on. Find a new niche.

I kind of feel sorry for you, Amanda, in a way. I mean, who the hell shows up at a spinning class to put on makeup in front of the entire class? You’re obviously psychotic, because you’ve been calling yourself a “fashion designer” as of late. I’d also probably have huge issues, too, if I never could get my cheeks to stop being so chubby no matter how much weight I lost. Depressing. I know you’re trying to make yourself relevant again, but I really and truly feel that the whole go-crazy-and-make-a-comeback train made its last stop with Charlie Sheen.

This leaves you with three choices:
1. Get your shit together. Like, now, and try to land a role on a sitcom. Everyone’s pretty sick of hearing about you, but I feel like that’s what you’re best at.
2. Just give up, find a nice boyfriend, settle down and get married a la Hilary Duff. She knew when to throw in the towel on her acting career and decided, instead, to get knocked up. I mean, she seems…happy? Or maybe it’s just all the carbs she ate during her gestation period projecting fake happiness. Either way.
3. Go to jail. Just do it. By the time you’re released, you’ll probably have missed all the really important events that are going to happen over the next couple months: Blake and Ryan’s wedding pictures being released, Lindsay Lohan overdosing and dying, Miley Cyrus’ wedding, Miley Cyrus’ divorce, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s wedding, Suri Cruise’s fashion line, etc. I know the thought of missing all of these events seems like too much to bear, but let’s face it, it’s not like you would have been invited anyway.

I know that these words may seem a little harsh, but you need to know that they come from a place of love. Okay, I’m lying. They come from a place of annoyance. The only thing worse than a total train wreck is someone trying to re-create one. I can’t watch the Titanic sink twice, and the whole troubled-child star ship is about to sink anyway.

Oh, and I’m half happy and half depressed that you deleted all your Tweets and possibly(?) found another outlet to lay all your personal problems out on. You seriously sent Obama a TWEET about what a joke your life is. You said…and I quote “Hey @BarackObama… I don’t drink. Please fire the cop who arrested me. I also don’t hit and run. The end.” Okay, one…seriously?! And two, you’re such an idiot. If you’re in trouble with the police, I’m pretty sure the president is not the person you’d want to ask for assistance.

Get your shit together, and that’s the last time I’ll say it.

Pearls xo


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