Heyyy girl heyyyy. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to reach out to you, because I just really need to start off by saying what a fan of the show I am. I mean, the drama, the suspense, the comedy! You’re literally the best actress ever.
Oh wait, just kidding, you’re actually that much of a psycho in real life. I once thought I lived in a world where people were honest, and reality television was mostly scripted, because that would better explain some of your insane antics. As of late, you’ve proven to the world that I am NOT the craziest bitch in America by taking your antics off the set of Real Housewives and onto other various media outlets. I’m still convinced your book, “Drinking and Tweeting,” was based off of my web presence over the past two years, but I’m going to let it slide.
Let’s take a look at the reasons I’m borderline obsessed with you.
1. You didn’t let a “medical issue” stop you from looking chic as fuck.
Remember that time you wore heels when you were on crutches? I was living for it. You confirmed that some “injury” is no excuse to wear flats to a party. Good job.
2. You get drunk and MO with everyone.
And you’re weirdly okay with that. Just the other day, you were chatting with my imaginary BFF Andy Cohen (Mazel!) about how you may or may not be feuding with Chelsea Handler because you’ve made out with so many acquaintances of hers. Normally, people are ashamed of making out with people on every part of the Kinsey continuum, but you just DGAF, and it’s working for you.
3. You’re STILL not letting go of the fact your ex cheated.
As you shouldn’t. Guys who cheat are the worst, and I think it’s absolutely beautiful you’ve chosen to bash your ex-husband and his wandering dick by calling him a “made for TV actor.” People are hating you for being so brutal, but I think it’s refreshing. You’re like Taylor Swift, except I like you. Keep on talking shit about the man who fathered your children, because nothing says class like calling his new wife, “a washed up count…ry singer.”
4. You are the queen of all bitch fights.
You said it best in your Good Morning America interview. Adrienne WHO? Exactly. You’re teaching the young, impressionable generation that friends were basically made to be turned into enemies and grudges are meant to be held.
5. You’ve had so much work done you don’t know what your own face looks like.
I mean, there’s makeup, and then there’s making up for what you think you lack with a knife, some Restalin, and a few nips and tucks. Girl, I love watching you fight on the show because you remain emotionless, as Botox has surely incapacitated your ability to make facial expressions. Chic as fuck. There’s nothing classier than looking like a bizarre mix of a muppet and a burn victim, and somehow, you’re nailing that whole aesthetic. Yes, Brandi, I get it, you used to be a model, but now you just look like a psycho, you know, in the prettiest way possible.
6. You’re a total cougar.
Nothing says, “I have my shit together and I’m ready to move on from my life post-divorce” like screwing anything that walks. Whether it’s a pool boy, or a random 28-year-old, you’re getting on that because, well, actually I think it’s because you need your meds adjusted, but who am I to judge?
Basically, I can’t thank you enough for providing me with an endless supply of laughs ever since you came into my home via Bravo! You’re an absolute train wreck in the best way possible because you actually think you have your shit together. I understand you’re now a published author, but I would just like to remind you that writing a book is really not that hard, because Helen Keller literally wrote like, 12 of them. Furthermore, Bran Bran, I think you’re doing a great job of parading your crazy around, but I think you should try to rein it in a little before the next season of housewives is underway. I know this might come as a shock, but you are not Lisa Vanderpump, and you are not even NeNe Leaks, so stop trying to make your own show happen, it’s NOT going to happen.
Anyway, love ya?