An Open Letter To Gwyneth Paltrow

An Open Letter To Gwyneth Paltrow

Dear Gwyneth,

Congratulations! I’m so proud of you for earning another accolade by doing nothing. Being named “The Most Beautiful Woman in the World” by People is actually a huge honor. You’re joining the ranks of babes such as Jennifer Aniston, Beyonce, Halle Barry, Nicole Kidman, and Cindy Crawford (to name a few), which is amazing in itself. Most people are outraged about you taking the throne this year, but I couldn’t be happier. First of all, you are my idol. I had never, ever, in my life imagined there could be anyone more entitled or cunty than I. Then I actually started following you.

Gwyn, you have this amazing ability to say “fuck you” to the entire world without ever saying it. You carry yourself as if you’re floating a level above everyone else, which is appropriate because you basically are. I generally hate people who give their children stupid names (Apple and Moses, ahem), but you’re so entitled and out of touch that I worship you for naming your offspring something terrible. I also think your website, Goop, is hands down the second-best site on the Internet (TSM being the first, effing duh). Not only do you provide useful advice and tricks for the modern woman, but you do it in such a style that makes me strive to be a better woman. Every Thursday, I look forward to waking up to a new e-mail from you. I especially enjoyed your “Spring Must-Haves” roundup. You assembled various spring looks (which you modeled yourself, obviously), that totaled roughly $450,000.00. Pocket change, obviously. Your recipes are so amazing that I am almost inspired to learn how to cook. I’m not going to do it, but I often think about it while browsing your site. You’re a true inspiration.

Recently, you’ve come under a little bit of fire for wearing a see-through dress without underwear to the Iron Man 3 premiere. I would generally condemn this type of behavior, which seems like something that would have been trademarked by a Kardashian, but in your case, Gwyn, I’m fucking living for it. You said it best yourself: you are a 40-year-old mother of two, and if you want to show off how hot you look, you have every right to do it.

Gwyn, you are the queen of all things self-important and entitled. Think about the 2012 Oscars, when you showed up in what was, hands down, the most amazing dress of the night, even though you weren’t nominated for a damn thing. When it comes down to it, you’ve only made one real attempt at acting, and that was in Shakespeare in Love. Since then, your acting resume has been pretty mediocre, but that hasn’t stopped you from letting everyone know you’re a serious actress. I think you’ve proven to all of us that if we work hard enough to convince people of something, they’ll eventually believe it. You’ve also established yourself as a journalist with zero credibility, something I can 100% relate to. I’m not entirely sure who told you that you had the merit or culinary expertise to write cookbooks, but it seems to be working for you. Gwyneth, you are the epitome of what can be accomplished as long as you’re willing not to give a fuck about anyone else. If you had ever listened to your critics, I’m sure you’d still be some entitled rich girl without a career of her own. Instead, you’ve amplified your finite talent and transformed yourself into a one-woman empire. I salute you.

I don’t know what you have planned for the rest of your career, but I think it’s safe to say you’re due for another movie that doesn’t involve a fat suit or Robert Downey Jr. I personally think you should ditch the kids and the husband and go on a huge bender with me. I’ll be in Vegas over Labor Day weekend, and you’re more than welcome to join.

Normally, I would assail anyone who has literally been called “the most beautiful woman in the world” and warn her not to let it go to her head. We all know this title is re-awarded annually. You have 365 days to assert your physical superiority in Hollywood, but it shouldn’t be too difficult, seeing that you’ve been asserting unwarranted dominance over celebrities for years. You’re never one to shy away from bragging, and you’re never one to pass up an opportunity for shameless self-promotion.

Although you’re trying your best to act humble (it’s not working), we all know you probably convinced People to give you the title this year. Yes, you are gorgeous, and yes, your skin has never looked better, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to suggest People might have been considering someone with a better hair situation before you swooped in and demanded respect. Whatever you did worked, evidently, because now you’ve got another title to add to your long list of undeserved awards. I’m so proud of you.

Gwyn, please continue to prove to the world that all it takes to be successful is an ego the size of Kim Kardashian’s ass. I worship you for your ability to convince everyone you’re a talented actress as well as a credible source on all things fashionable and domestic. I am also in incredible awe of your inability to give a fuck or apologize for your actions. Regardless of how “out of touch” people think you may be, you’ve never once made an attempt to hide who you are or deny your enormous sense of entitlement.

I worship you, and I hope that your year on Earth as the most beautiful woman is your best one ever.

Your loyal subject,
Pearls xo


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