I only very recently learned that sororities existed outside of America and “almost America” also known as Canada. Apparently, quite a few European countries have also taken on our time-honored traditions, one of which is the Netherlands. As it turns out, GDIs in the Netherlands hate sorority girls just as much as they do here as evidenced by “Amsterdam’s Shallowest Man” on his blog. And just like it is here, their hatred comes across as nothing more than bitter envy, and it is hilarious.
1. How to become a Dutch sorority girl, learn to speak Goois (Gooische accent)
The first thing you need to do is to drop your local accent and speak as if you’re from the region of the Netherlands known as Het Gooi. Also known as the Silicon Valley, due to the fact that it’s illegal for girls over the age of 18 that live in that part of the country, not to have enhanced boobs. Sunglasses are also compulsory and have to be worn all year round.
So you need to perfect your Gooische accent. The best way to do so is as follows:
1. Boil a potato
2. Cut it into small pieces
3. Put a piece in your mouth, but like a good girl from a religious family, do not swallow
4. Stand in front of the mirror, and repeat 100 times “Ik ben het beste paard van stal”
5. Once you’ve got the hang of this, repeat again, this time, attempting to keep your upper lip as stiff as a Dutchman finding a ten euro note on the pavement
6. Practice your R’s. So now repeat 100 times “Ik ben het beste paarrrrrrrd van stal” Roll those R’s like an ambulance team rolling a morbidly obese patient onto a stretcher.
The best translation I got for “Ik ben het beste paard van stal” was “I’m the best horse stable,” which either means Google translator failed me or this is some kind of joke, movie quote, or catch phrase (re: I can’t even) that sorority girls are mocked for overseas. It sounds like Het Gooi is the Dutch California, so they’ve pretty much got this right. Wear sunglasses, have great boobs, don’t swallow. So far, I’m on board.
Update: Amsterdam’s Shallow Man himself emailed in to let me know the following: “Ik ben het beste paard van stal = I am the best horse in the stable. It’s a local Dutch saying (I’m British) that means I’m the best.” Makes so much more sense and now we’re practically fluent in Dutch.
2. Dye your hair blonde and wear it in a ponytail
Do this even if your hair is blonde naturally. Dye it so it looks false. You don’t want your fellow corpsmeisjes (sorority girls) to be jealous of you being a natural blonde. Blonde is in. Tie your in a ponytail as is the current fashion with the corpsmeisjes.
Okay, this is just outrageous. You are Dutch. Shouldn’t you already be blonde? Like isn’t that the best thing about coming from northern Europe the fact that you naturally look like a model? It sounds like the writer is the weird one here, not the sorority girls.
3. Learn to play hockey
Even if you hate the game, it doesn’t matter. Pretend to love it. Learn as much as you can about the history of the game. Even better, try and find out if any famous Dutch hockey players have ever lived within 2000 kilometers of your village, and pretend that you know them.
This is where we differ from our Dutch counterparts. The only sports sorority girls are required to play — excuse me — required to have played in high school are dance and cheer. This means that they are both popular and girly, as well as assets to Airband and skit round of recruitment.
4. Learn to SHOUT
As you live in the countryside, you have plenty of space to practice. Go into a field with a friend. Ask your friend to walk approximately 500 meters away from you. Then shout as loud as you can about what you did the previous evening. Do this until your friend can hear every word as clearly as if you were stood next to them. Once this occurs, increase the distance to 750 meters, and then finally a kilometer. When you can shout so loudly that you can be heard clearly a kilometer away, you’ll be loud enough to join a sorority.
Okay, I don’t know what these “meters” are they’re talking about, because the only useful unit of the metric system is a gram for obvious reasons. Just kidding. Anyway, I wouldn’t so much call it “shouting” as I would clearly annunciating at an appropriate decibel to get the attention of 150 girls. I’m sorry, but it’s just necessary for story-telling in large spaces, and more importantly, if you want your chants to be heard over the other sororities’ chants during Greek Week, you’re going to have to work your vocal chords.
5. Take up smoking
Obviously, to perfect that hoarse voice that sorority girls up and down the country possess, it’s essential to smoke a minimum of four packets of cigarettes a day, so that your voice is always rough and a little hoarse.
Oh my God, you are so stupid. Sororities would never advocate smoking. We like our lungs to match our rooms, so they have to be pink, meaning we can’t smoke. We obtain that coveted sexy-but-cute hoarse voice from all the shouting you just outlined. As long as you don’t veer into sounding like a man, even a cold, or excessive drinking will do the trick nicely.
6. Dress just like everyone else
This is absolutely CRITICAL for your success as a Dutch sorority girl. Look at how your fellow corpsmeisjes dress, and copy them right down to the last detail, including underwear which is usually purchased at a store called Gamma. Don’t ever, even for a millisecond let the idea enter your head, to dress differently. You’ll be shunned by the sorority, and will become a social leper.
I don’t know how things are in the Netherlands, but here in the US of A we get our underwear from a little place called Victoria’s Secret. Maybe you’ve heard of it. Personally, I thank my sisters when they alert me to a 5 for $27 deal, even though it’s a total ripoff as it used to be 5 for $25. Whatever.
7. Blijf slank meisje!/Stay thin!
Follow the standard diet of Dutch sorority girls. Drink lots of beer, play hockey, have lots of sex, but don’t whatever you do eat more than once every two days. Part of being a Sorority girl is to have the width of a broom, with a couple of balloons taped on. Like boxers before a fight, Dutch sorority girls have to undergo regular weigh-ins to ensure that they remain within the normal boundaries expected by the sorority. Leave the bitterballen alone!
I’m not really all too familiar with the Dutch sorority girl diet, but if I end up looking like a broom with two balloons taped to it, I’d say it’s worth a shot. Is it at all possible that I can replace beer with wine and hockey with, like, pure barre or something? It’s okay if the desired results are slightly varied. Asses are all the rage here in America anyway.
8. Pretend to be posh
Now that you’re rolling your R’s, and keeping your upper lip stiff, and saying ‘ijskast’ instead of ‘koelkast. Don’t forget to talk about the horse you have back in the village. Even if you don’t own one, it doesn’t matter. Your fellow sorority girls will be superficial friends for life. They’ll never visit your backward homestead in a million years.
This is a good start, but here we’d really prefer it if you were rich for real. It’s okay if you’re just pretending as long as you can keep up, but frankly, it’s just easier to talk about my horse with someone who actually has one of their own.
So, you see, becoming a sorority girl abroad is really not all that different than becoming one here. You have the same stereotypes and the same haters, so I’ve got to assume that means you have the same love too. From us to you, Dutch sorority girls, frat on..