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Apologies To Our Formal Venue

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To Our Formal Venue,

I deeply regret the events that took place on your luxurious dance floor this past weekend. Additionally, I’d like to apologize for similar events that occurred in the ladies’ restroom, mens’ restroom, foyer, coat room, balcony, staircase, lobby, closet, elevator, and air duct. The women of my sorority displayed foolish and irresponsible behavior. To be fair, I blame the boys.

First off, I’d just like you to know that we will, of course, replace all of the potted plants that were destroyed in the lobby. Sister Tammy drank one too many alcoholic beverages and was suddenly convinced that she was, in fact, Tarzan. She will be severely reprimanded, though in my opinion, the manure stuck under her fingernails is more than enough shame to punish her for such barbaric behavior.

The situation in the coat room is currently under investigation. We remain unsure of who exactly vomited in several coat pockets, but rest assured that we will figure it out. I’m pretty sure it was that bitch Jan, and I will prove it.

As for the bathroom, you should know that I am especially horrified. I wasn’t there to see the mess due to the fact that I was fooling around with my date under the bar have an intense gag reflex. I am told the sink was basically destroyed, and I could not be more sorry. Sister Lexie has a very notoriously small bladder, and when all of the stalls were occupied, she really had no other choice than to use the sink. I maintain that the fault in this situation is not entirely on us. You should really consider installing a few more toilets.

I am probably most apologetic in regards to the air ducts. The couple involved truly had no idea that an air duct couldn’t support the weight of two human beings, a horror which the Disney Channel has clearly lied about to an entire generation. In her defense, sister Bailey does not usually weigh that much. Her boyfriend just dumped her, and she has since sought comfort in Nestlé Toll House.

I would also like to apologize for the group of fraternity men who thought it would be funny to throw the following items at pedestrians from the balcony: condoms, beverages, cigarettes, shoes, and even one of their smaller members. Their behavior was immature and foolish. By the way, brother Fred has been released from the hospital, and his foot is healing quite nicely.

For all of the aforementioned offenses, we offer our most sincere regrets. We are a group of refined women, and such behavior is below our standards.

P.S.: I’m planning another social, and I was wondering what your availability for next month looks like. Let me know which dates are free, and we can chat.

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Lucky Jo

Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.

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