Welcome back to Ask Hot Piece. Real advice from a neutral party about boys, besties, blackouts, and everything in between. E-mail me any time (firstname.lastname@example.org) and the columns will come out weekly.
I flirted with a guy I worked with at home all summer, but now that I’ve returned to college (an hour away), I never see or talk to him. While it was just flirting, we were definitely both into each other, and I miss him a lot. I can’t stop thinking about him. The only contact we’ve had since I left for school (about a month and a half ago) is poking each other on Facebook. I want so bad to talk to him.
Now heres the problem. He’s 30. I’m almost 20.
Is he not worth pursuing? I know ultimately we’re not going to end up dating (because of the age difference), but I don’t want that. I just want to be able to continue flirting with him..Would he reach out if he was interested? Would it be weird if I texted him?
Girlfriend, I think you’re just bored. There is NO reason to keep talking to him. I think you want a little more from him than to just keep flirting, because you can flirt with anyone. I think a little part of you is hoping you two can be something…but you can’t. Not because of the age, but because he doesn’t really seem to care all that much. Guys do the random “I just want to flirt” text sometimes, and I always think it’s super weird, so I really wouldn’t advise it. This is not an important person in your life, it’s just that you don’t have any other important people (and by people I mean boys) in your life at this time so it seems like a big deal. Just find a new boy, you will soon enough, and this won’t seem like an issue any more. And stop poking each other.
So I’ve got a question that you can probably help me with and I’m sure some people have dealt with too… If you drunkenly asked someone to a function like beach weekend or mountain weekend how do you uninvite them in a non-rude way or at least a way that does the least amount of damage?
This is really tricky…I think your only options are to either A.) pretend you don’t remember asking and completely never bring the situation up again, or B.) pretend you have someone else to ask: “I’m really sorry, but I’m kind of seeing this guy now, and it’s getting serious, would you totally hate me if I took him instead?” But honestly, if you don’t have someone else you’re dying to ask, there’s no reason in my head to not just suck it up and go with him anyway. Unless he’s really repulsive. If you’re friends, which you seem to be since you don’t want to hurt his feelings, you’ll still have fun. You don’t have to hook up.
So lately there has been a lot of overlap in my sorority, like sisters hooking up with other sisters exes. I get that there’s going to be a little of that with almost 200 girls, and I’m guilty of it too. As a new girl I was hooking up with an older guy who used to date an older sister I’d never really hung out with before (didn’t know there was history when we started, but didn’t necessarily stop when I found out…lots of drama with that one). However, there’s a big difference between hooking up with the ex of a sister you’re not close with at all vs a sister you’re actually friends with. A guy I had a thing with for quite a few months and I recently ended things…we were never technically dating but everyone knew we were together. I just found out two girls I’m friends with hooked up with him, one while we were talking and the other days after we unofficially ended things. I would literally ask those sisters for advice and talk about what was going on between me and him. Yes, I have hooked up with a sisters ex before…but I didn’t know her at all, and these girls that stabbed me in the back were friends, even if they weren’t close friends. I’m so mad and hurt and disappointed by these sisters, and I have no respect for them or desire to be friends or hang out – I feel like something like this just says a lot about a persons character, you know. But of course I still have to deal with them everywhere from recruitment events to socials to philanthropy. How do I handle the situation, without seeming dramatic or like a hypocrite or a bitch?
I absolutely agree with you that there is a difference between the two situations. My general rule is: if you’re not close enough with her to know about the guy, you’re not close enough with her for him to be hands off. I don’t think it’s hypocritical for you to want to end the friendships. You don’t have to be officially dating someone for it to be wrong for your best girls to hook up with him. I don’t think it’s dramatic, I think you should just tell them straight up that you are hurt, and what they did was wrong, and if they come at you with “well you did it to ____,” just tell them “it’s different and you know it.” Because they do know it. Did they even apologize??? That was so shitty, they don’t deserve your forgiveness right now, and it’s ok not to give it to them. Maybe down the line if they really cease contact and make it up to you but for now, I think it’s fine to take a step back and cool off.
So I just moved five hours from home to come to college and joined a sorority. I have a boyfriend of over a year that goes to a different school two hours away. He’s a junior though and has had time to do the whole freshmen year thing so I feel like the only one missing out. I really do care about him, but I think I might be using him as a safety blanket of sorts. Should I break up with him to have a legitimate college experience? Or does having a boyfriend make any difference?
Having a long-distance boyfriend in college definitely makes a difference. I did so, and I felt it did hinder my relationships a little bit toward the beginning of school, mainly because I was less present. I missed out on a lot of fun things because I was visiting him and I don’t have a really big group of guy friends that I walked away from school with. However, at the time, I didn’t care. I can’t tell you whether or not to break up with your boyfriend. That is your decision to make and no one can make it for you. Will you have the “legitimate” college experience, which I think you mean to say…go crazy, drink too much, and make out with boys…if you stay with your boyfriend? No, absolutely not. But to have that is to sacrifice the relationship you have with him now. What it all comes down to is which one is more important to you? (And it’s okay to choose the experience over the relationship if that’s what’s more important.)
So here’s my dilemma. There was this guy I liked in a totally unrealistic way: he’s way older, has lived with his girlfriend for the last four years, lives across the country from me, is totally uninterested in me, etc. He also was SO not my type but personality-wise we meshed really well. He had been my staff at camp and we got along great and kept in touch. A few months ago, his weird girlfriend (who I’ve never met) forbade him to speak to me and instead of breaking the news to me like an adult, he deleted me off Facebook never to be heard from again. Since we’re all psycho stalkers, I occasionally still FB stalk both of them (although I can’t see their full profiles, so unfortunate). Here’s the thing – girlfriend just got Pinterest recently. And I’m DYING to follow her for no reason other than to have her get an email saying that I’m her newest follower. Rationally, I know this is stupid/pointless/destructive, but really how often can a girl be expected to behave rationally? Help!! Am I crossing the cyber-stalker line or can I have my little passive-aggressive moment knowing I’m not really more crazy than average?
This is the level of cyber-stalking that is ok to think about, maybe joke about to your best girlfriends, but NEVER actually do. Seriously. You have to think about it from her situation for a minute. Some girl whom she’s never met is flirting with her boyfriend keeping in touch with her. She may have read some borderline inappropriate text conversation (which is totally her prerogative) and not liked where the conversation was going. He should have told you his girlfriend didn’t want him talking to you, but that hardly makes the situation any different. The bottom line is you were hoping to change a situation with someone who is taken, and I don’t think she did anything wrong by stopping the situation before it got to a place where she was even less comfortable with. Following her on Pinterest, while I understand the passive-aggressive appeal, is not a good look. She is totally going to go back to everyone she knows and say you’re a psychopath…plus, it kind of just makes you a bitch. You have a little crush on this guy…it’s her boyfriend with whom she’s been living with, and presumably been in love, for FOUR years. To throw a reminder of your existence in her face like that is just mean. I know you think she sucks, but it’s their relationship and it’s wrong of you to meddle.