Welcome back to Ask Hot Piece. Real advice from a neutral party about boys, besties, blackouts, and everything in between. E-mail me any time (tsm@grandex.co) and the columns will come out weekly.
So this past weekend we had a home game, my best friend in a fraternity had been out of town for the past two games and he was really excited that we would be tailgating together. My sisters and I started at around 4 and I went to his house last, so by the time I got there I was not so sober. He found me we were having a blast and some of us went back to his room to hang out. He came up and hugged me from behind and we just stood there talking with everyone else like that. He and I are really close so I had no intentions of hooking up, and he was getting kind of touchy. I kind of liked him but even in my drunken state I had enough reasoning to make sure we didnt hookup because I didnt want to lose that friendship. So when another brother walked in that I knew I walked over and gave him a hug. Then this brother said come take shots in my room, my best friend said ok just bring her back. Well, we didnt come back. We hooked up and after I walked back into my best friends room to get my things. I open the door and he was in there alone, took one look at me, slammed his laptop shut and stormed out. He looked so disappointed/angry. So I started crying, my sisters comforted me, and eventually he walked back hugged me, apologized and said he wasnt mad. One of my sisters was sober and she said he was really upset when he realized I was with his brother, but since I had left the house on good terms I thought nothing of that. Two days later I texted him to make sure we were ok and he flipped out at me. He said he was disappointed in me, that he didnt like me as more than a friend and a couple other hurtful things. My question is why would he get so upset if he didnt like me, why would he go out of his way to deny that but literally freak out at me? I understand him being disappointed, it wasnt the classiest of situations, but instead of letting it blow over I feel he’s making it a bigger deal than he should and I dont know what to do… help please!
Well, I mean…Obviously he does like you, but why the hell would he admit that after he just witnessed you hooking up with his friend? Guys don’t care if their friends are classy, he wasn’t “disappointed”; he was jealous. I need to say, I don’t know how I feel about the whole “preserving the friendship” thing if you both have feelings. If both parties have feelings for one another, you aren’t really “friends” anyway. I think attempting to remedy the situation is going to be tough since you were never officially a couple, so he knows he has no “right” to be mad, but think about it…how pissed would you have been if he had hooked up with someone else. I think you should talk to him. If you want to be more than friends with him, you should explain all the thoughts in your head – that you were afraid of losing what you have, and see where he (and you) wants to go from there. If you only want a friendship, then I don’t really think he has any right to be mad at you and you can explain that to him too, that you’re entitled to do whatever you want, with whomever you want, and if he is going to judge you for it, he’s not being a fair friend, and then just back off until he gets over it and realizes his behavior is immature.
There’s this guy that I’ve been best friends with for most of college (we’re both juniors) and up until about eight months ago, our relationship was 100% platonic (I dated one of his friends-which is how we met, so I had never even looked at him in another way). Anyway, one day last semester after a lot of day drinking and debauchery, he ended up spilling his heart out to me and we hooked up. The day after this happened, we met up talked about everything when we were sober and I was feeling really good about where things were going until a bomb dropped. In the middle of our conversation he told me he loved me! Now, this might be something that would freak any girl out, but you have to understand that “the L word” holds so much weight with me that I barely even say it to my parents.
Anyway, I was freaked out and told him I needed some time to think. A week later, we each went back home for the summer and decided to “try to go back to the way things were” while we figured things out. I saw him a few times over the summer and he couldn’t keep his hands off me. I always pushed him away because I didn’t want to lead him on before I figured out what I wanted. By the time summer was over, I had decided that I was willing to give it a shot, but as soon as we got back to school, he got in a relationship with another girl.
I was obviously livid having to find this out from Facebook, but we talked about it and instead of telling him what I was actually feeling, I wished him the best with her and tried to just let it go. Here’s the catch: every time we are drunk around each other, we end up talking about it. This usually ends up with me getting super emotional about how I messed up and then me almost becoming “that girl”. It has never crossed any lines- mostly because I want him to want to break up with her and not have any pull in that decision. But at the same time, I don’t understand why he has a girlfriend if it’s pretty clear his feelings for me haven’t changed. I feel like this is a different situation since we have a history and I can’t help but feel like “I had him first”. My sisters don’t think it would be home-wrecking if I were to talk to him and let him know that I’m tired of him saying one thing and doing another. Should I just let it go and move on or talk to him about it one last time and ask him to pick me?
I don’t think telling a guy to “pick me” is actually ever a good idea, although Meredith Grey really did make it appealing. It doesn’t matter why he is dating her, or the fact that he acts a different way behind her back, the fact of the matter is that every single day, he is still choosing to be with her, and thus, choosing not to be with you. It is still home-wrecking. Just because you have a history with him, doesn’t make it any less home-wrecky. Besides, you don’t even know if you’re ready for the kind of commitment he’s looking for, and it sounds a little bit more like you might be wanting what you can’t have, since when he was totally yours for the taking, you weren’t interested. I think the best thing to do is to maybe back off him a little bit and try to get over him. You can tell him that’s what you’re doing, and you can tell him it’s because you have feelings for him, and see what he does with that. But ultimately, asking him to break up with his girlfriend for you, who previously rejected him, is totally unfair.
So, I need boy advice. Last year, I had this huge crush on a boy, and he liked me too, but he just can’t be tied down. And I don’t just mean in dating, I mean in all his life. He just does whatever he wants without a second thought about consequences (and it always works for him too). It’s really kind of admirable. Anyways, the whole not being tied down thing meant we were casual and he never asked me out. I mean, I went to one of his date functions, but he wasn’t paying attention to me almost all night. So then, out of nowhere, he transfers schools. Like I said, he just does whatever! He’s at another SEC school, so I know he’s raging just as hard and probably hooking up with randos. Bare with me, because there’s another part of this. When I couldn’t get him to settle down, I started flirting with another boy who was a GDI at the time. After I realized I wasn’t going to get into a relationship with my crush, I kind of ended up settling for the other guy and we began dating. I didn’t think it would last long. It was supposed to just be short term to boost my confidence, but I’ve ended up dating him for almost a year now. I even convinced him to go Greek. I love him, but I still have a crush on the first guy. Soooooo, what do I do?? If I just talk to him about it, to get closure, would these feelings subside? Help me!
Woah! Ok. So I’m thinking what you need is a new boy or something to get your mind off of the crush. Clearly, your boyfriend didn’t do the job. And you ended up loving him in the same way you end up loving like…a three-legged dog or something that you didn’t want. You literally said you settled for him, and he couldn’t even help you get over the first guy. That relationship…not good. A different boy could help, but really, you need to just like slap yourself across the face and realize you are NEVER going to be with this guy. He didn’t even like you that much when he was here! You don’t even talk! What are you holding onto? His memory? Stop creeping his facebook. Delete his number. And eventually you will forget him. Don’t look for “closure” because it’s not going to happen, and it’s not going to help. You have this little fairytale in your head that it’s magically going to turn into happily ever after some day and you’ll be together…but even if by some twist of fate that did happen, would you even want him at that point? Of course you wouldn’t. It would make you feel pathetic for holding on for so long to someone who you aren’t even important to. I’m getting so worked up, because I’ve been there, and you need to be shaken. I’m sorry. Feel better.
My sorority has a GPA requirement of 2.5 for each semester. Last semester my Spring GPA was a point below that (even though my overall GPA was above!) due to a super hard out of major class that I ended up with a D in. I was debating whether or not I should double major and after my less than successful try in that class in the major I was thinking about , I obviously decided to stick with just my first one. My in major GPA happens to be a 3.2. Anyways, I was placed on academic probation for the first six weeks of this semester due to not meeting our requirements, and I was devastated – no socials, no date parties, nothing. Well I only had two exam grades to turn in on the check in date and they were C’s in out of major classes – I was pretty proud of myself! But my sorority wasn’t impressed and has decided to keep me on probation for another month. I’m literally so close to depinning. I’m so annoyed with the situation, I haven’t been doing poorly so far this semester, and I’m not a failing student. I’m not saying socials are the most important part of being in a sorority, and I’m not upset cause I’m missing out on partying with fraternities. But I do truly feel like there has been a huge damper on my bond with my sisters this semester due to my absence at weekly bonding events aka socials. I’m still a new girl, so I’m still trying to build these relationships and I feel like I’m being held back when my grades are really not that bad. And I just want to have fun! I feel like my EC is being really harsh and I don’t know what to do about it – my parents want me to depin since they don’t want to pay dues anymore knowing how sad I am about this and how hard I’ve been trying academically. Please don’t tell me to just stick it out and do more homework – what should I do? How can I convince these girls I deserve to be off probation?
While I do think you should definitely stick it out and do your homework, I suggest you prove to the girls that your grades are going up. Present them with some sort of plan. You can host study hours or something, so that way you have to be at every single one, and show them your grades and how they’ve been improving. Explain to them that you feel like you’re missing out on a lot of experiences because of this and show them that your grades are improving. Seriously, like flowchart, pie graph, excel spreadsheet, whatever. That’s your only shot I think, but be prepared to have your request denied. If you’re not meeting the grade standards, then you’re not, and you need to change yourself to fit the system and not expect the system to change for you. Good luck, and STUDY!
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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