It’s nice to know that in a world filled with fear, confusion, and evil, some people are doing their best to add a little more despair to the world. Burlington Elementary School in Boone County, Ky., announced that the school is banning birthday cakes and other sweets to celebrate students’ birthdays.
Not only do kids have to deal with the fact that they have to go to school on their birthdays, but to add insult to injury, they can’t have cupcakes, candy, pie, donuts, those adorable little Munchkins from Dunkin Donuts, soda–nothing. Not even chocolate syrup squirted directly into their mouths.
“We’re finding it’s difficult to be the first,” said Valerie Bailey, a PTA member who probably hates fun. “Parents say it’s not fair. But we hope it sends a message to the parents and kids, especially with the obesity rate being so high, and puts a bug in their ear.”
Kathy Reutman, who makes sure that Boone County schools meet federal wellness guidelines, cited a major risk for obesity in this school district as its reasoning for this tyrannical decision: “About 37 percent of our children are at risk or obese. It’s not up to us to tell parents what to do. But when children are in our care we make sure that nothing gets in the way of them and their learning. Food allergies or too much sugar get in the way of that.”
According to Reutman, there was a lot of initial pushback to the decision, but now people are much more welcoming to the cake ban/encroachment on civil liberties, and they’re “starting to get creative and find alternatives to still celebrate birthdays.”
Creative and alternative ways to celebrate a birthday? Like what? Carob and quinoa cupcakes? BRAN MUFFINS? The answer to obesity isn’t “deny kids a slice of cake on their birthday,” it’s “PUT DOWN THE GODDAMN FORK ONCE IN A WHILE AND GO OUTSIDE, YOU FAT BASTARDS.”
Cake is a wonderful and magical thing. It’s what separates us from the animals. It’s full of delicious and happy and wonderful, and it represents everything that’s sweet and good in the world. Even the calories! It gives you a goal to work off at the gym or through some other kind of exercise. Cake brings us together! I mean, as freedom-lover Marie Antoinette once said, “Let them eat cake.” She even LOOKED like a cake. Cake can be enjoyed by everyone, from kings to vagabonds, “Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters,” and even “Tiny Dancers.”* It is the force that unites us and binds us together. Not having cake on a kid’s birthday is as un-American as any pie other than apple. Just let the kids have their damn cake.
After all, you don’t win friends with salad..
*Elton John songs, dummies.