Be Wary Of The “Woke” Fuckboy

Be Wary Of The "Woke" Fuckboy

Be careful out there, as a Certified Fuckboyologist with an Ivy League degree in Fuckboyisms, it pains me to say there’s a new type of fuckboy emerging. As a matter of fact, he may be the most common fuckboy right now. I’m of course talking about the “woke” fuckboy.

He’s a new breed, drastically different from the classic type of fuckboy we’ve all grown accustomed to. The classic fuckboy wears collared shirts and backwards hats. The woke fuckboy has giant hipster glasses and flannel shirts. The classic fuckboy sends 2am drunken texts like “u up?” The woke fuckboy sends you passionate rants about transphobic cereal commercials that are upholding the heteronormative patriarchy. He’s a sensitive guy, he’s into poetry and he’s working on an indie screenplay about a depressed lesbian visiting Europe. The WF reels you in by showing what a feminist he is, then he eventually takes off his mask and reveals an aggressive creep underneath.

Feminism is (thankfully) more mainstream than ever now. The unfair stigma is slowly washing away. So now tons of guys are feminists. But be wary, because some of the loudest male feminists are also the creepiest douchebiscuits you’ll ever encounter. The WF is a straight white man who goes on massive, 12 paragraph Facebook rants about how straight white men are the worst. He preaches about how we shouldn’t support celebrities with assault allegations, but then gets defensive when you bring up his lord and savior Louis CK. Social media is the WF’s safe haven. It’s where he can publicly proclaim what a great guy he is without having to put his money where his mouth is.

Obviously, there’s nothing wrong with a male feminist, but a WF overcompensates with his “feminism” because he has enough to skeletons in his closet to decorate a mansion on Halloween. He tweets about how we need to always “believe women,” yet he hopes no one believes you when you mention how he grabbed your ass at a party last year. He tweets about intersectionality and toxic masculinity moments after invading your DMs with an unsolicited dick pic. He’s a white knight gentleman, but when a girl rejects him he gets very aggressive, he gets so furious he looks like The Incredible Hulk with a fedora.

You should definitely date a guy who’s a feminist, but just be careful around the guy who tries TOO hard to be a feminist. Any guy whose Facebook page always looks like the front page of Salon is probably hiding something. Feminism is cool right now, and fuckboys are like chameleons; they blend in to fit their environment as a survival tactic. Now that male feminism is hip, fuckboys researched all the lingo and bought some soapboxes to stand on. The “nice guys” tend to be not-so-nice behind closed doors. I’ve seen it. Many times.

This shit ends today. Once the WF starts getting creepy, splash his organic coffee in his face, pour his kale into the toilet, and smack him in his bearded face with a slice of his vegan pizza.

Image via Shutterstock

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