This generation is honestly totally screwed when it comes to finding a guy who is boyfriend material. Unfortunately, as ladies began to catch on to their manipulative games, asshole guys just kept getting smarter too. Although pretty much everyone in the male species may have an IQ below 70, when it comes to getting laid, guys are well aware that we are so on to their fuckboy schemes. The classic Tinder line used to be “wanna fuck,” but us ladies finally cued into the fact that this was only a one night stand offer NOT an invite to next semester’s formal in NOLA. Having learned that in 2016 an obvious one-time fuck offer might be less likely to maximize pussy potential, guys have now began to opt for the new classic “hey beautiful,” or if they are really desperate “I’m not a photographer, but I can picture me and you together.” The kind of shit that makes girls mentally ‘aww’ and feel the need to send screenshots into the sorority pledge class GroupMe.
The point is, we are so trained to be on the look out for the obvious douchebags. We look for the stereotypical tell-tale signs of “bad guys:” Black cape, furrowed brow, evil cackle, frat president. You know, the usual. But unfortunately as Taylor Swift once said, as we grow up we “fail to realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he’s not easy to spot; he’s really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair.” Ms. Swift knows just about everything about getting fucked over by douches (hell, she’s got 934752 million songs to prove it). But in this quote she isn’t slamming the blatant assholes of the world, she’s warning us to beware of “Mr. Nice Guy.”
I once got a flat tire and changed my Tinder bio to “Car got a flat. TBH I’m just looking for a guy to come change it. If successful I will make you a sandwich.” Goal number one: to get my tire fixed. Goal number two: to match with a nice guy for a change on Tinder. Sounds like a good idea right!? Well it sure as hell wasn’t. Although I did get my tire changed, it also ended in tears and me gaining like ten fucking pounds from drowning myself in ice cream and vodka.
Like I said, I did find someone to change my flat that day. He had muscular arms, beautiful green eyes, straight white teeth, and could make me genuinely laugh. All it took was some slight sweating through his shirt as he changed my tire in the hot sun then the conversation that occurred afterwards over a sandwich and I was immediately hooked. I had FINALLY found Mr. Nice Guy.
Over a year went by of us being “together.” Mr. Nice Guy would give me rides home when I was drunk, surprise me with peanut butter M&Ms for us to share, schmooze with my parents and friends, and one time he even took me on vacation. I was so caught up in his nice guy act that I became totally oblivious to the shady little things about him. He would disappear for days at a time with no explanation, he was super weird about me holding his phone, and always claimed to “not be into PDA.” The kind of things that seemed like nothing compared to the big picture of our seemingly real happiness. The truth was, he really did make me happy but the guy I thought I knew ended up being a total fraud. Over a year down the road I learned Mr. Nice Guy lived in one massive lie. Spoiler alert: he was a liar and a cheater and secretly a total fuckboy.
At the end of the day I’m a firm believer in the line “out of all bad comes good.” Although I might have been considered a very low key alcoholic in the week after I broke it off with him (an interaction during which I casually cussed him out and threw a wine glass at his head) I truly do believe I learned a valuable lesson: Don’t let your guard down. The second you fall for his sense of humor, ability to take control in a relationship, and his perfect smile, you too can be a victim of “Mr. Nice Guy.”.
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