Put down the weights and pick up the forks, ladies, because turkey season is just around the corner and this year? Your body is going to be READY. If you follow these instructions exactly, you will maximize your potential to go *~*HaM*~* this Thanksgiving while eating your weight in stuffing. No more negative body thoughts. No more, “I’ll do it tomorrow.” No more, “I can’t.” No. More. Excuses. You are going to have your cake and eat it too, damn it. And you’re going to love every second of it. It’s a process, but through dedication, hard work, and perseverance, you can be turkey day ready in just three short weeks. “I” is the only difference between “fit” and “fat” so get the hell over yourself and get ready to get fat!
If you have any concept of time, you know that we have just completed the *week* of Halloween. If you don’t have any leftover Halloween candy, I strongly suggest you go to the store and get what’s left over at a 70% discount. Your fatness goal for the first week of training is to eat all of your leftover Halloween candy. Push through the sugar overload. Snort the chocolate if you have to. But finish it. Make it your prisoner of war. Make your senses numb to sugar overload. You’re going to need it because of two powerful words: Pumpkin. Pie.
Week two is all about embracing your inner lazy. Do you wake up one day and just decide that you are going to compete in a 5k? No. One, because you’d rather die than actually run from anyone except campus police. But if you are one of those weirdos who like to feel like you’re going to vomit for some good exercise, you train for marathon day. We all know that on Thanksgiving day, you’re supposed to have a hangover from hell and only move off the couch to get your second, third, and fourth plate of food. So week two is about practicing your couch potato skills while eating every potato you have in your household. Which for me, is a skill I mastered at the age of fourteen when I got my period.
Week three calls for the big guns. Expanding your stomach. Dedicate one whole week to carb loading as often as possible. Eat so fast that your brain can’t comprehend when it is getting full. Olive Garden. McDonalds. Buffalo Wild Wings. Two for $20 at Applebees. Make it your mission to dig through the coupon book and eat at all these seriously unhealthy places as much as possible. You need to expand your stomach so that once November 23rd rolls around, you will be ready to binge eat for eight straight hours. The other 16 hours will be dedicated to sleep and bathroom use ONLY. They say beauty is pain, which it totally is. But you know what else is pain? Getting too full too early on Thanksgiving. This is why we train, after all. You need to make sure that you can marvel in the wonder that is gaining anywhere between three to five pounds in one day. You can lose those three to five pounds later, just ask Regina George.
Some helpful tips you can use in the meantime? Go sweater shopping. Pick out the baggiest clothes you can possibly find. Ask a hobo where he got his parka. Only shop in the men’s section. The looser, the better. Any excuse you can find to buy some new sweatpants. It’s fall. We don’t have to pretend we want to be skinny anymore. We don’t have to pretend we want to shave our legs, or anything else for that matter. This is the time to fully embrace the way God made us. Hairy, lazy, and fat.
We have set our goals. Smash the shit out of them, applaud yourself, and remember, it’s one pound at a time. Fitness, as we know, is 90% mental. Your body won’t go where your mind won’t push it. So push yourself into that bowl of mashed potatoes, girl. You deserve it..
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