What up, fam?
Welcome to Earth. Glad to have you. Gonna be honest up in here, but I was lowkey a little nervous when I first heard y’all two were coming, but my girl North talked me down, and once I had a minute to digest the whole thing, I actually got kind of excited. It’s been about a week now since I’ve been able to call myself the big sister of the new prince and princess, and with that, I’ve realized someone out here needs to show you what’s what.
First and foremost, you gotta know something: you are literally better than everyone else (besides me, because firstborn to the fam, you know), and that’s not a joke and I’m not the only one who thinks so. I think a lot of people say that, but straight up, you slid on out of our moms and immediately became royalty, so don’t fucking forget that. We have a reputation to uphold as the children of a living legend, queen among mere mortals, and also of our dad who has a goofy AF laugh, but it’s not really about him, because our mom runs the house, and also the world.
You were born on June 12, 2017, and the current state of the world is, you know, a little tense. A lot is going on in the world. The country’s pretty tense with the president (honestly, you’re lucky you missed the election, shit was wild), but what deadass has me shook is all this Taylor Swift nonsense. Okay, so you know how Mom and Dad are part of the Illuminati with Ye, Kim, Tay, Katy and all them? You will not BELIEVE the shit they’ve got these people hooked on. Taylor and Katy have dragged this shit out for like five years at this point allegedly over some “backup dancers” and I’m CACKLING over it. The point is, the world is about to be a bunch of puppets and if we keep entertaining them, they’ll keep entertaining us. Believe that.
Between the three of us, though, I’m going to have to keep it real. You’re here, but don’t forget who was here first. You’re still just “the twins,” but there is only ONE Blue Ivy. I’m here to give you all the info you need on how to keep your looks one hunnid at all times. I’ll teach you about how to charm this world (easy — just exist and be cute), and maybe you’ll show up in a music video or two. But I’m gonna need your respect, and we should get along just fine.
I really plan to be the best big sister of all time. Of ALL. TIME. Yeezy knows. Little sis, I’m happy to share my clothes when the time comes. I think poor people do “hand me downs,” but I’m really not trying to see you in fashion from five years ago at this point. I like to keep it fresh, and you should too. Looks only. I’m excited to go on some adventures with y’all. Just you know. Don’t steal too much attention from me. I need some time with the coolest parents of them all. I’ll let you have your moment, though, just recently being born and all.
Anyway, good luck with this whole “being alive” thing. It’s going to be an easy ride for you from here on out..
Image via Shutterstock
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
@VeronicaRuckh
@VeronicaRuckh
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