Much like a pet or a child, training a boyfriend is hard. You have to be firm yet fair, rewarding yet not spoiling. And it can be hard to determine the right action when he messes up. Sure, you want to shout and scream and bring up that time he accidentally called you by your sister’s name in bed, but that’s not always the best move. So here are the most common boyfriend offenses and their fair punishments. I’m not saying all of them are the smartest moves, but I am saying that they’ll make you feel a hell of a lot better.
1. Offense: His Existence Is Annoying You
To be honest, he didn’t really do anything wrong. He’s just being his normal self, but for some reason, it’s just really pissing you off. The way he’s breathing. His chewing. His fucking video games. Every time he says something to the TV you’re tempted to grab a bat and smash his forty-two-inch screen in.
Punishment: Honestly, you’re the one who should be punished right now. Maybe you’re on your period. Maybe you’re offended that I even said that. Whatever it is, you’re being a bitch and need to calm down. Your guy is literally just existing. He can’t help that he’s breathing out of his mouth (nerd) because his allergies are bad (double nerd) or that his video game is too loud (triple nerd). Grab yourself a drink, go in the other room, and stalk some people on social media. He doesn’t need a time out, you do.
2. Offense: He Said Something That Upset You
He said you were “pretty” instead of “beautiful.” He didn’t say something mean about your hot friend when you said how hot she was. You asked him what his fantasy is and then got mad when he obviously said he wanted to have a threesome.
Punishment: So, let’s be real. He didn’t do anything “wrong.” He just didn’t say what you wanted him to say. I mean sure, in a dream world he would say that you’re the most beautiful woman in the world, your hot friend isn’t his type, and he doesn’t want a threesome or anal, just pizza during sex. But no. This isn’t a dream world and you’re not dating a dream guy. You’re dating a real guy. A real guy who doesn’t always say the right thing. In this case either let that shit go or just be somewhat chilly and distant until he asks what’s wrong and just sarcastically say “nothing.”
3. Offense: He Liked Another Girl’s Picture On Instagram
You were just minding your own business, looking through the “following” section of Instagram and noticed that your guy just liked some other girl’s photo. Sure, she might be a mutual friend or that girl from his elementary school he claims is totally platonic. And no, it’s not a “sexy” picture. She’s either at a cool place, took a picture of food, or is posing with her boyfriend (who just so happens to also be his friend). Still, even though you know it’s innocent, you can’t help that ping of jealousy that shoots through you.
Punishment: So again, he’s not really doing anything “wrong.” But you still don’t like it. The thing is, you can’t be a bitch about it because then he’ll know what a sneaky stalker you are. You either just let it go, or you make a comment like, “I saw you liked (insert bitch’s name here)’s picture today. Doesn’t that food/location look awesome?” No, it’s not a punishment, but it lets him know that you’re watching him, without being totally creepy. Also, make him go someplace cute with you to take a better picture. He’ll hate it. It’ll be great.
4. Offense: He Said Something That Was Actually Upsetting
He said that that dress actually did make you look fat, or he called you a bitch (even though yeah, you were being a bitch he shouldn’t fucking say it). In your defense, you have every right to be pissed. Name calling is never okay, and saying something mean is reserved for behind people’s backs and in group messages, not to your significant other’s face.
Punishment: First, you need to tell him that this. is. not. okay. At all. Secondly, if he doesn’t automatically do it, remind him that flowers and a red velvet cupcake and the price of forgiveness — and the promise that he’ll never pull that shit again.
5. Offense: He Liked Another Girl’s Bikini Picture On Instagram
Once again you were casually looking through the “following” tab on Instagram only to find that your boyfriend liked another female’s picture. Another female’s bikini picture. You know, one of those that’s basically saying “a like means you think I’m hot and you want to fuck me.”
Punishment: Oh *hell* no. It’s one thing for your boyfriend to like another girl’s picture. It’s a whole other thing for him to like another girl’s “come fuck me” picture. This punishment is multiple parts, so keep up. First, you act chilly towards him. When he asks what’s wrong, you say you don’t want to talk about it (lies). After he begs for long enough, you tell him that you were just casually on Instagram and you saw that he liked (insert home wrecker’s name here)’s picture. Now have a very long, very drawn out conversation about loyalty, feelings, and honesty. Finally, tell him to take you out to a nice, expensive dinner — after he unlikes the picture and unfollows the girl, of course.
6. Offense: He Checked Out Another Girl IRL
It doesn’t matter if you were at a concert, a bar, or the fucking Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. You saw it happen. His eyes widen. The slow turn as she walked by. The lingering glance. That asshole just checked out another girl and you saw the whole thing unfold.
Punishment: Now, in his defense, guys are programmed differently. Hot girls are like shiny objects to them, and they pretty much can’t help but glance. Hell, when we see a hot girl we stare at her too. Still, that doesn’t make catching him feel any less shitty. First, the second he stops looking at the harlot, you want your stone cold eyes to be the first thing he sees. Then, a little ignoring, some groveling from him, and a snack or drink should do the trick. No, he’s never going to stop checking out girls, but he will get better at it so you don’t feel bad. It’s the best you can ask for. Sorry.
7. Offense: You Caught Him Flirting On Social Media
You have no idea what the asshole was thinking, (or even if he was) because when you pulled up your timeline you saw that he has posted a link to a girl’s wall and they had a flirty conversation in the comments. It doesn’t matter who the girl is or what it was about. The point is, he was talking to some bitch on social media and you’re not about it.
Punishment: This calls for nights and nights of long conversations, stalking the girl endlessly, and days of reassurance and gifts with a possible delete of her from his social media. It’s only fair.
8. Offense: You Caught Him Flirting IRL
You left him for one second to go to the bathroom and when you come back he’s talking to some girl at the bar. And I mean *talking.* They’re laughing. There’s eye contact. And she’s way too close for comfort.
Punishment: First and foremost, you push yourself in between these two love birds. You get rid of the girl any way you see fit (with either a nasty look, a sarcastic remark, or just a general comment of disdain) you then tell your boyfriend to get you a drink and you’ll talk later. The next 1-3 days will be spent alternating between discussing your feelings, saying you feel insecure and confused, and will only cease once he takes you on the date of your choice. Preferably one that will cause him emotional distress, like an all-pink bakery or a farmers market.
9. Offense: He’s Still FB Friends With His Ex
You’re just minding your business, searching through your boyfriend’s friends on Facebook only to find that he is still connected to his ex via social media. Ruh Roh.
Punishment: First of all, the bitch is getting deleted and she’s getting deleted fast. Then, you get the facts. Why are they friends? Does he still have feelings for her? What does this even mean? By now he’s already hating his life, which is good. At this point you can have him physically remove his own balls from his body, or you can do it for him. And yes, he’s getting you fucking flowers. And no, he’s not getting a blow job for awhile.
10. Offense: He Still Snapchats His Ex
Lol. Not for fucking long.
Punishment: That bitch is deleted from Snapchat. Hell, he’s deleted from Snapchat. Snapchat no longer exists on his phone. And neither does his ex because you go through every other form of social media and make sure she’s deleted and blocked from all of them. All. Of. Them.
11. Offense: He Still Texts His Ex
Her name popped up or maybe you accidentally unlocked his phone and looked through all of his messages. However you found out, you found out. And now you’re rightfully livid.
Punishment: First, you need to see what this even means. Does he have feelings for her? Are they just friendly? Did he lie? Once you get these answers you can decide if you’re going to either dump him, cut off his dick, or have a very, very, very long conversation about feelings, loyalty and expectations ending in the ole “I need space AKA you better fucking grovel and spoil me until I stop being mad at you” card. Either way, keep an eye on him. He’s not to be trusted.
12. Offense: He Kissed Another Girl
Whether you saw it, you heard about it, or he told you — he did the unthinkable. He put his lips on another girl’s lips (her facial lips guys, don’t be weird).
Punishment: For all intents and purposes he’s on house arrest if you even want to keep him. Your trust has been broken. He betrayed you. He did what he swore he would never do. Is that the kind of guy you want to be with? If you do, you have to pull out all the stops — passwords, long discussions, varying levels of crazy girl. This isn’t a nice dinner and date sort of thing. This a is a real, hardcore change of the relationship if you want it to work. Flowers can’t fix trust issues. But they should be added just in case.
13. Offense: He’s Talking To Another Girl
You saw the messages. You saw the jokes and the flirting and the confessions. And now he’s about to see a shit storm.
Punishment: This calls for months of probation. I’m talking a total social media purge, access to all accounts, and “proof” that he loves you. And by proof I mean his willingness to do whatever the fuck you want for as long as you want or until you screw up. No, it’s not healthy. But neither is emotionally cheating, right? Sure, you could take the high road and forgive him, but the high road was never really my style.
14. Offense: He More Than Kissed Another Girl
He did more than a peck on the lips but less than full penetration. Whatever it is, it’s really fucking bad.
Punishment:
Dump him. Dump him. Dump him. It’s that or make both of your lives hell for years until you finally trust him or grow the lady balls to ditch his ass. Punish him by kicking him to the curb or punish both of you by sticking around.
15. Offense: He Murdered Someone
The second to worst thing he could do. He royally fucked up with the law and is going away for a very, very long time.
Punishment:
First, why did he do it? Is he some sort of revenge-seeking superhero or just a psycho? Second of all, how do you feel about a long distance relationship with someone you’ll have to always go visit? Third, how morally sound are you? And finally, how much money/assets will you get? I’m not saying you should stay, but I am saying that if he went back in time and killed Hilter or something and he’s secretly a rich billionaire or something then like, I don’t know. Really think about it. He’s already getting punished, right? And if he’s not actually a good guy fighting evil, maybe take out a restraining order just to be safe.
16. Offense: He Full Out, All The Way, No Getting Around It, Cheated
Punishment:
The worst of the worst. The ultimate crime. You have to kill him, right? Like I’m pretty sure you have to kill him (jk, don’t actually kill him). Or you have to dump his ass, ruin his reputation, and move the fuck on. Any man who cheats on you isn’t a man at all. Especially not one you want.
Don’t you wish you could just hire a trainer and squirt them with a squirt bottle when they fuck up?.
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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