I’ve always wanted a Marauder’s Map, and now it looks like my dream’s about to become a reality. In Brazil, an app was recently introduced, allowing you to stalk your boyfriend from afar. It’s literally called “BOYFRIEND TRACKER.” Awesome. When your boyfriend leaves the room, you simply download this sneaky app and turn into a psychotic stalker, sorority girl style. If you’ve always wanted to feel like Harriet the Spy or an NSA agent, this app is for you. It’s called “Boyfriend Tracker,” and the makers describe it as being a “private detective in your partner’s pocket.” It looks like romance isn’t dead, y’all.
So what does this magical app do? It sends the
stalker interested party duplicate texts, so you know exactly who your boy toy is hollering at when you’re not around. Honestly, some things might be better off left to the imagination. Do you really want to see the gross texts he sends his buddies? If he is cheating on you, do you want to find out from some sext he sent a sorostitute? You can even force the phone to pocket dial you, but you can’t exactly hear a pocket dial clearly, so you’ll have no idea what he’s actually up to. Is the heavy breathing because he’s putting it in a freshman, or because he’s particularly into the video game he’s playing? Unclear. You might as well hire a private investigator, but this is better on a budget. Plus, it would be hard to explain that credit card charge to Daddy dearest. Also, if your dad gets wind of this app, he could download it on you, and you probably don’t want him to know what his little girl is actually up to.
Now, I completely understand using this app for not-boyfriends, because that makes the most sense. Right now, all we can do is check their Facebook, Foursquare, Instagram, and Twitter in order to casually run into them at a bar, feigning surprise, of course. This helpful download could shave minutes off of our stalking time, allowing us to spend more time preparing mentally and physically for our supposedly unexpected encounter.
Thousands of Brazilians already downloaded this app, even though it’s probably illegal, and definitely creepy. It was recently removed from the Google app store for being so not right. After all, if Lifetime movies have taught us anything, it’s that it’s frowned upon to stalk someone, even if they are totally cheating on you with your sister. The ladies of Brazil explain that it’s natural to want to keep up with your lover, which makes sense to me. After all, this app originated in the same place that gave us the Brazilian, and if you pay beaucoup bucks and experience excruciating pain, of course you want to know where your boy toy is to ensure that he sees the results.
The app basically turns you into a werewolf tracking your mate, and it’s equally dangerous if your partner finds out that you’ve set the cyber police on someone you supposedly trust. That’s why this app makes way more sense for a hookup than a significant other. In fact, anytime you so much as MO this should download to his phone. I can’t see how it could turn out poorly.
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