Boyfriends Are Like Steaks — Better With A Little Fat On Them

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In today’s society, men seem to be increasingly aware of their bodies. Whether they’re bombarded with whey protein commercials, bitched at by their girlfriends for eating unhealthily, or saw some guy running down the street and admired his calves, men are feeling the added pressure to be fit. However, despite this pressure, few men seem to actually do something about their physiques. I hear guys talk about “needing to go to the gym” all the time, yet few actually do. I see far more women occupying the treadmills, ellipticals, and stationary bikes (albeit at the lowest speed possible) than I see men. Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely not complaining. Not only does fewer guys at the gym mean an increased likelihood of a free treadmill, but I’ve found that a thin layer of frat fat is the ideal physique for the college male.

Before everyone freaks out and tells me to look at Ryan Gosling’s abs, let me defend myself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a beautiful six-pack or muscular arms; in fact, there’s almost everything right with them. However, we usually see these glorious body types through photographs. Of celebrities. Basically not real people. Just as you wouldn’t want to date Blake Lively unless you were Ryan Reynolds, many women avoid dating guys who are godlike in appearance. If they’re not gay, then these guys are typically very high maintenance. A guy like this will only eat at places that are super organic/green/crunchy/lame, and he’ll throw a fit if he can’t substitute turkey bacon on his black bean burger. Additionally, he’ll spend so much time working out that he doesn’t pay enough attention to you. Oh, you have to leave the bar early because you have a 100-mile bike ride tomorrow? Get over yourself. I won’t be there to hold your hand during your full-body wax for your triathlon next week.

If he’s not jacked, then a guy can still be too skinny. If you eat less than I do, and you’re a foot taller than I am, I will not be impressed. Sure, I’ll finish my burger and milkshake with no shame, but I’ll be concerned that we’ll have to get more food an hour later. Oh wait, that’s me that always wants more food. Anyway, it should be understood that we’re getting food after we go out drinking; I shouldn’t have to scream “TAKE ME TO WHATABURGER NOW” because you can’t fathom the idea of people needing to eat more than half a meal a day. I’d also get concerned that I would snap you in half if things got lively during nighttime activities, and that would completely kill the mood.

On the other hand, guys that are way overweight are also a turnoff. He probably doesn’t work out that often, so obviously I’d be tempted to stay and cuddle instead of completing my usual exercise of running for about seven minutes. More importantly, he might get annoyed if I nibbled off of his plate, which is where most of my meal comes from anyway. Seriously, at this point I’m not above telling waiters, “I’m just eating some of his, but thanks!” Yes, I understand, Joey doesn’t share food, but your meal always looks so much better than mine, and it’s cheaper anyway. I’d also be concerned that he’d crush me while we knocked boots, and that’d be really awkward to explain to my insurance company.

The solution is to keep a slight layer of softeness to your body. When I see this, I assume that you work out occasionally, even if that just means taking the stairs once this week. Men like this also have a good balance of eating well yet often, which is crucial lest I get hangry and say mean things that I’ll regret later. I also don’t think that you’re so into yourself that you won’t have time for me, which is great because clearly I should be your top priority. Lastly, you won’t make me feel self-conscious about my own body, as there’re plenty of media for that. So go ahead, enjoy that heavy beer and double bacon cheeseburger. I’ll love you for it.


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