Once upon a time there was a girl named Ashley Fern. She was a writer for Elite Daily, where she met her hunky boyfriend Eddie Cuffin, who is not an undercover vampire, but also a writer for Elite Daily. The two planned to someday marry, and have offspring, who would eventually grow up to bitch about nonsense under the guise of “brutal honesty” and general badassery, but then something horrible happened: Ashley caught Eddie checking out another girl, but not just any girl, a sorority girl.
She was enraged. She cried, and she screamed, and it was all Eddie could do not to off himself on the spot. He must make it up to her, so in the same fashion that all guys cover shit up, he made Ashley believe she was imagining it. “Of course I wasn’t checking her out,” he claimed. “I don’t even like sorority girls! I’ll prove it to you.” And so he did. In a classic, public proclamation of his love for Ashley, Eddie proved, once and for all, that he hated sorority girls, and would never marry one. He went so far as to say that no one should marry one for a number of bitter reasons, which we broke down HERE.
His denouncement of sorority girls helped, but it didn’t admonish Ashley’s pain entirely. She had to get her feelings out, so, like many writers do, she put pen to paper and let the world know how she truly felt. I’ve broken down her piece, titled “The 10 Ways You Know You’re A Sorority Girl” below.
Sorority girls either get sh*t on or receive rave reviews. People have very, very set in stone opinions regarding the character of a sorority girl. Why? There are attributes for every stereotype. Don’t give me that sh*t, “I’m not that type.” You’re a sorority chick and there is no escaping it. Stop denying what makes you part of a bigger circle — just embrace it.
Okay, Ashley. I’m down to get on board with you here. I will no longer deny to the world that I am a smart, pretty, fun, albeit slightly high-maintenance girl, who like thousands nationwide, elected to join a sorority. That’s surely what you meant. Let’s delve into this further.
When someone asks where you’re from…
Hometown? No. Birthplace? No. Am I Kappa Delta? I am. Your sorority makes you — you. When you are out and about in college, your go-to opening line is something in reference to your sorority. Pathetic? Definitely. Accurate? Most definitely. You are identified by your affiliation in most major universities. Yes, this is shallow and demeaning, but it’s also relevant.
Woah, woah, woah! Ashley! With the hostility! I thought you were going to give me a nice tutorial here, but it seems your motives may be less than pure. First of all, when someone asks me where I’m from, I tell them I was born in New York City, but I grew up in its suburbs. I tell them this because my sorority is not a place. I’m not an idiot. When I go out and about in my college town, my opening line is, “What’s your major?” I need to evaluate a guy’s future earning potential before I decide whether he’s worth an actual conversation. The sorority chatter comes later, usually after I’ve taken the shots he just bought me, because I no longer have a filter, and there’s no pride like drunk pride.
You’re dramatic
You can turn any spoken word into a drawn out argument. Congrats on your creativity, but you, my friend, are a breed of crazy all its own. Ain’t nobody want to deal with a girl who creates controversy every step she takes. This is unfortunately an evident trait of a sorority girl, no matter what school she attends.
Tell me, Ash, what do we look for in our favorite movies? In our night-time eye makeup? In our celebrity (or even political) scandals? That’s right, drama. It makes it exciting. Interesting. A little drama every now and then never hurt anyone. Besides, I don’t create drama, it finds me — I can’t help it if I’m popular. You can’t fault me for maybe exacerbating the situations I’ve naturally found myself in. That doesn’t make me dramatic; it makes me passionate, and ain’t nobody want to deal with a girl who ain’t got no passion. Did I say that right? I’m sorry, I don’t speak ghetto.
Batsh*t crazy
There’s drama and then there’s f*cking crazy. Sorority girls seek revenge like no other species out there. They don’t just bring themselves into an argument, they have a whole army comprised of 20+ girls at their disposal.
Okay, I’m getting a little bit confused here, because I thought you just said I was crazy when you were explaining how dramatic I was. You’re getting a little bit repetitive, and I have to say, I’m disappointed. I really expected that you were going to give me ten ways to know I was in a sorority, but it seems like maybe you’re only giving me nine. And good heavens, I hope most sorority girls have more than 20 sisters at their disposal when they need to call upon their army of revenge-seekers.
Throw what you know? No.
I am sorry to burst your bubble, but your sorority symbol doesn’t double as a gang sign. Jay Z (no hyphen, obv) doesn’t f*ck with white bitches that go to a state school, he’s married to Beyoncé. Also when you throw up that “HOVAAA” sign, I hope that big ghetto bitch lays you out.
Well, personally, Mr. Z isn’t really my type, but I sincerely hope that Beyoncé wasn’t under the impression I was trying to snag him from her. I will promptly write her an apology note explaining that it’s not a gang sign, a common misconception given the demographic of those who throw it, and let her know that no big ghetto bitch will be necessary.
Your go-to pose is a squat
Bend and snap? This isn’t just reserved for Elle Woods. Sorority girls try to get all up front and center in photos. Head tilted to the side, hips tilted the other way and the booty popped out: sorority girl square.
Again, I’m feeling a little confused because you said that my go-to pose is a squat, a square, and the bend and snap. The bend and snap isn’t a pose; it’s a motion, and I’ve never heard of the “sorority girl square,” so I do believe you meant to say “squat,” and I’ll continue to address this as if you had. I’d like to clarify that the sorority squat is not the go-to picture pose. As everyone knows, it is reserved for situations during which there are so many girls that we can’t all stand beside each other. The go-to pose is done in the standing position: head tilted downward, knee popped, stomach in, and hand on hip in a formation better known as “the skinny arm” (hint: to make it the extra-skinny arm, push your shoulder forward a little — really makes the clavicles pop).
Main songs stuck in your head
If the theme song to your life is any of the following, you need help: “Levels” (Yes, the Skrillex remix counts), “I Don’t Care” (I love it? No you don’t), “Fuckin’ Problems”? No hoe, you love dudes and you do have a f*cking problem.
My current jam is Miley’s “We Can’t Stop,” so it looks like you’re wrong again.
When taking shots involves… “Take a shot”
If you can’t take a shot without singing to accompany the liquor, bitch you got problems. If someone asks you, “take a shot?” and you respond “Take a shot, take a shot, take a shot like a ____ (enter respective sorority here) can,” congratulations you’re a sorority girl.
*IF YOU CAN’T take a shot like a sorority girl can……..then why have that motherfucking shot in your hand? Take a shot. Take a sho– It’s not that we can’t take a shot without it, it’s just that…why would you want to? It’s comparable to any other encouraging drinking chant (“Chug! Chug! Chug!”), but it’s got flare. Try it! It’s fun!
You have at least 5+ “best guy friends”
With every sorority girl comes frat guy friends. The reason girls have best guy friends? You try living with 20+ batsh*t cray, hormone-filled women and see where your mentality goes. You need your guy friends to help keep you sane because if you allow your ears to fill with all that petty bullsh*t, well, get ready for early-onset depression.
We need guys to buy our drinks and to have sex with us, not to keep us sane. As you’ve already pointed out, we’re batshit crazy, so why would we be trying to “keep” sanity we never had? I’ve always felt that guys were the crazy ones, so I tend to steer clear of them unless I need one for one of the aforementioned, but a best guy friend can also be useful when I need help trying to decode the “Hey” I got in a text message from the guy I’m interested in, or for a reminder that I’m bangable when my self-esteem is at an all time low.
You hate all your friends from home
No one can compare to your sorority sisters. Who cares about that next Thanksgiving break at home? You just use this time to visit your school friends. You think the girls who wrote in your yearbook are going to be your best friends? Yeah right, bitch you’re in for a rude awakening.
Well, that one’s actually true. On to bigger and better things.
Summer in the Winter
It doesn’t matter if it’s 20 degrees out and snowing, you know you’re just going to throw on your skirt and your “fracket.” Go ahead and strut your stuff to the party. You don’t give a sh*t if you come home with that coat at the end of the night as long as you are warm enough to make it to the party.
Well, what am I supposed to wear? Snow pants? JEANS?!?! How long do you really spend in transit anyway? The worst walk I ever made to a party was twenty minutes down a snow-covered hill, when my best friend fell and dragged me down the entire thing with her. But I was wearing TIGHTS (it would have been slutty not to), so I really don’t see what the big deal was. Everyone knows that nylon is an extremely warm and durable fabric, and it absolutely isn’t ruined after one wear, so when you slip on a cute pair of black tights to go with your outfit, it becomes appropriate for the winter. Besides, a toe is something I’m willing to sacrifice to frostbite. Fashion is not.
I’ve got to say, Ashley, I didn’t like your list much. I felt you got a tad snarky. I thought I was coming here to figure out whether or not I was in a sorority, but it seems your intention wasn’t to inform me of the ten ways I’d be able to know for sure, but to talk down on sorority girls, and it wasn’t very nice. From now on, I’m just going to have to believe there’s really only one way to know you’re in a sorority: you have a bid.
Nice Move251
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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