Breaking Down The 6 Worst (Best?) St. Patrick’s Day Costumes

St. Patrick's Day

If you go out today, be careful. Not only will you be lost in a mob of drunken people who claim to be Irish, but you’ll also be engulfed by clouds of glitter, tutus, and other heinous costumes that tend to appear on one of the biggest party days of the year. Costumes are great because you can let your creativity loose, but essentially every option has its downfall. Luckily, you now have a guide to the cost and benefits of your potential options.

Metallic Leggings And Tutus
Don’t get me wrong, this look can be cute if you are a Victoria’s Secret model. However, being a mere mortal, I recently tried out a pair of sleek gold leggings, only to find that they gave me the biggest camel toe in the history of wardrobe malfunctions. Pair it with a tutu muffin top, and you have created the most uncomfortable outfit since Lady Gaga’s meat dress. An A for effort and spirit, but this look fails miserably in the functionality department.

Beads And Feather Boas
This one gets major points for upcycling, because you can reuse all of the beads you collected at Mardi Gras (#noshame). The real downfall here comes from the feather boa, which essentially becomes a stylish choking hazard. Tight crowds, drunk people, and a feathered boa just don’t end well. Redeeming qualities include: drunk guys touching your feathers (wink), and the added neck warmth factor.

Face Paint And Glitter
While these two options can be a cute and festive idea, you should be on the lookout for the potential hazards that these present. But if you are looking for a scratched cornea, stained face, and glitter in every orifice for weeks to come, then this is a great option. Potential benefits include: versatility and photo potential. Cons: you’ll need a new vacuum to get glitter out of your carpet, and you may need microdermabrasion for your skin.

Backwards Hat, Bright Tube Socks, And Fanny Pack
This one is tough, because it is such a popular look among sorority girls. I, too, am ashamed to admit that I wore this exact ensemble at one point. In 7th grade. Downfalls: you’re guaranteed to look like a tween and/or a douchebag. Pros: this outfit requires zero effort, and you’ll have a convenient pouch to store all of the essentials (read: alcohol).

Sassy Tee Shirt
The “Kiss Me I’m Irish” tee is a little basic, but who cares? After all, you are wearing a t-shirt. If you’re looking to take it to the next level, throw on a sports bra too. And sweatpants. And get some wine. In fact, just skip the bars altogether. Sometimes comfort is worth the sacrifice, right?

All Of The Above
Every once in a while, you will see a holiday-obsessed girl who is wearing any and all combinations of the above outfits. Benefits: everyone will know you are an over-the-top, psycho bitch without you having to actually tell them. Drawbacks: everyone will know you are an over-the-top, psycho bitch.

Chose wisely, look fabulous, and maybe you’ll end up getting as lucky as the Irish tonight.

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PSLsandPearls has been shotgunning lattes and looking good since the mid 1990's. In her free time, she cuddles with any animal she can find and incessantly bitches about how busy she is. You can email her at (note the single PSL).

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