You know how guys with accents are just a little bit hotter than guys without accents? Well, they know it too. Four British guys, Chris, Dan, William, and Carl are currently touring the country — specifically places that could be better identified as “the middle of nowhere” and bumping uglies because of their accents.
As they’ve explained in their fascinating Vice Interview with Crissy Milazzo, “girls in like, middle America are just like, ‘Help, help!’ about the men here.” Simply put, they’re not up against much, and we fawn over a guy who wears something to the bar other than “backwards cap, sneakers” and “hunting jackets,” which downright appalled them.
The plan was born two years ago, and is allegedly not stolen from Love Actually, though I have trouble believing that. The guys just crossed the pond, tried it out, and realized they were lowkey celebrities in the States, particularly in the south.
Super different. You can be the center of attention. So, we talk really loud. Yell across, “Oi, Dan, what are we doing later?” That’s when you see them crane their necks, and that’s when you look at them and say something like, “Oh, I didn’t know there were Victoria’s Secret models in Alabama!” Something cheesy. I’m the sacrificial lamb, like, every time. I embarrass myself and then the other guys come in and pick up the pieces. Next thing you know, they’re coming home for Christmas. I mean, I’m literally average. Everyone says I look like Michael Cera! Google it! I do! But I’ll speak to every girl here, same game.
WHO’S IN THE CLASSY REGION NOW LADIES?! Kidding, good for you. British is on my to-do list. I can’t say why. I just know I’m wildly attracted to the way the English talk:
Carl: It’s that pull. That pull of being foreign, of being English, that’s a big pull here.
Chris: Right. Like, Alabama is the best place!
William: A British accent is nothing [in San Diego,] but middle America? It’s the best tool in the world.
And sorority girls are their favorites. Which is a fact I made up. But they have hooked up with some sorority girls.
Chris: I mean, we were in the sorority houses, taking pictures with the, what do you call them?
Carl: The letters! Anchors. They’ve got the big anchor and all the silly Greek things and that.
Chris: Right. It was like, mad. The girls all wanted to go out with us, ask us about England, imitate our accents, get us to say words—
Dan: Oh, that’s the fucking worst! If I hear one more girl do a British accent, mate.
IIIIII wanna be a DG — Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes, I do. Or an AST — I see you. Sure, these girls probably got called to standards for breaking the rules and letting a guy *~*in the house,*~* but it was worth it, right? To bang a Brit? A Brit who’d made a whole three-month vacation out of banging American girls?
You’ve got to wonder how high the body counts were getting, but the boys “didn’t keep track,” (re: didn’t want to be judged), except for William who claimed to only have gone all the way with five girls, and Chris who can’t remember, but knows he had sex with nine girls in five days over spring break.
Doesn’t matter, had sex (with a Brit)?
And do they feel guilty? The guys who are using their accents to get laid? Not really. It’s not like they’re being dishonest — anything outside a white lie about what they do for a living. They know they’re a bucket list item for the girls, and don’t see a problem with it. Everyone’s getting something out of it: “the girls want photos, they want videos, they want to tell their friends. It’s like, us and them, we’re providing each other with an experience. A story.”
I could take all this information and think it’s absolutely deplorable. Or I could say, “me next.”
To read the full Vice interview, click here.
Nice Move214
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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